The Script
Massie: (Shouting) Oh My God!
You are single-handedly ruining my life. You have to be kidding me.
Massie’s dad: We’re serious about this Massie.
Massie: So am I. I already made plans. This party isn’t just a party. It’s the last party before winter break is over. Forget about the event of the season. It’s the event of all four.
Massie’s mom: Sorry but the Lyons are gonna be here for dinner.
Massie: The Lyons? Are the tigers and the bears coming too? Oh my.
Massie’s mom: Massie we talked about this weeks ago.
Massie’s dad: You remember Jay? My best friend from business school? He’s moving up here from Florida with his family. They have a son Todd, a daughter Claire. She’s your age? They’ll stay in the guest house until they find a place to stay of their own. Does any of this even ring the smallest of bells?
Massie: Uh, no.
Massie’s mom: You’ll be at dinner and you’ll be pleasant.
Massie: Mom, you always said I should honor my commitments, right? Well I made a verbal commitment to Shelby Rexler that I’ll be at her party. Tonight.
Massie’s mom: I’m not discussing this anymore.
Massie: Dad.
Massie’s dad: You heard your mother.
Massie: Mom, if I miss this, it’d be starting the second semester on the completely wrong foot, worse than the wrong foot, it’d be like wearing the wrong outfit [GROANS]. Bean, tell me this isn’t happening. This is my worse nightmare. Worse than the one where my Amex was rejected, worse than the one where I lost my Prada bag.
Bean: And look I already had my outfit picked out and everything. If I have to miss this everyone has to miss this.
[The 4 way call]
Alicia: Hey!
Massie: put the brush down I’m getting Dylan.
Dylan: I was just about to call you. I’m in the middle of a wardrobe crisis.
Alicia: Hey, Dyl!
Dylan: Hey, Alicia! Ow!
Massie: I’ll get Kristen.
Alicia: She’s school shopping. She’s already called me 3 times to ask if we really need a compass and a protractor.
Dylan: What did you tell her?
Alicia: To get a life.
Kristen: Mass, I can’t really talk right now. But did you get a compass and a protractor?
Massie: Who cares? P.S. Leesh and Dyl on the line.
Kristen: Hey, Girlies!
Massie: so, what I’m about to tell you is gonna score me major gossip points, like Shelby Rexler did not chop her hair off to look more like Keira Knightley, she’s head lice
Kristen, Alicia and Dylan: EW! GROSS!
Massie: I know I say we bag the party I’m not trading my Frederic Fekkai for Nix.
Dylan: But it’s an 8th grade party and we’re the only 7th graders invited.
Massie: Please…, I’m not gonna be caught dead at a party thrown by anyone under the age of 15. It’s worse than wearing crocs.
Dylan: Wait, head lice and crocs?
Alicia: No one’s actually wearing crocs Dyl.
Massie: Actually, I think Shelby has a pear, in orange.
Kristen, Alicia and Dylan: EW!
Kristen: Forget it, I’m out
Alicia: Me, too
Dylan: Me three
Massie: That’s what I thought
Massie’s Mom: Mass, the Lyons will be here soon. You might wanna change
Massie: Can I change the fact that they’re gonna be here?
Massie’s Mom: Look, I’ll make a deal with you. If you adjust your attitude, be nice to Claire…
Massie: Who’s Claire?
Massie’s Mom: The Lyons daughter. Be Nice to her and I’ll let you go to the end of Shelby’s party. Oh, My God. Thank you (3x)
Massie’s Mom: Now, go get changed.
Bean: [BARK]
Massie: Bean. Bean, chill.
Todd: Dad, how many people live here?
Claire: is this really our new house?
Massie: Bean, what’s one step worse than a fashion don’t? Fashion don’t-even-think-about-it.
Massie’s Dad: They’re here!
Massie: I’m not even ready yet.
Claire’s dad and Massie’s dad: Hey
Massie’s mom: oh, look. Hey. You made it.
Massie’s dad: good to see you.
Massie: what do you think, Bean? Perfect right?
Massie’s dad: There she is, perfect timing. This is our daughter, Massie.
Claire: Hi, my parents told me all about you.
Massie: Huh… Mine barely mentioned you.
Claire: Ohhh…..
Massie: Except to say how fun and cool you are. Uh, hello?
She’s a dog not a baseball glove.
Todd: hey, come here.
Claire: Sorry, he must have forgotten to take his meds.
Massie: meds?
Claire: that was a joke.
Massie: Funny
Jay and William: good to see you
Massie’s mom: This is delicious
Mrs. Lyon: Claire helped pick that out.
Claire: Sorry. It’s for your charm bracelet.
Massie: Really? I never would’ve guessed thanks.
Mrs. Lyon: I remember your mom wrote in a Christmas card one year that you wanted to be a singer?
Massie: Right, when I was 7.
Todd: [laughing]
Massie: Um. Thanks.
Mrs. Block: So, Claire, I heard you’re straight A student.
Jay: She was the top three in her school in her science fair project.
Mrs. Lyon: and she won the district spelling bee contest last year.
Massie: Wow.
William: That’s very impressive, Claire.
Mrs. Block: Massie, Why don’t you tell Claire about Octavian Country Day? Massie Just loves OCD. Right, Massie?
Massie: Oh, right. Um, small classes, nice teachers for the most part. There’s only one problem no boys.
William: Who says that’s a problem?
Massie: um, the girls who go there, dad. Mr. Lyons, let me get that for you.
Jay: Sure.
Todd: You complete me.
Massie: ew!
Mrs. Block: Excuse me. They were still eating.
Massie: please. You promised I could go to the party.
Claire: A party?
Mrs. Block: Thanks, Claire. Maybe Claire would like to go with you.
Claire: Oh, I’m up for.., you know… whatever.
Mrs. Block: Sweetie are you okay?
Massie: Um… you know what? I think I’m gonna go to bed. I don’t feel so well.
Claire: Night, Massie. I hope it’s nothing serious.
Mrs. Block: Get some sleep, honey. I’m sure it will be gone in the morning.
Massie: I seriously hope so.
Claire: Did you see her clothes and her shoes and her hair? I swear, she looked straight out of a magazine.
Mrs. Lyons: She’s pretty cute.
Claire: Could we go shopping for the 1st day of school
Mrs. Lyons: What about the clothes we bought before we left Florida?
Claire: T.J. Max isn’t gonna cut it here, Mom. It’s like designer everything. Please I just wanna fit in. I really want her to like me.
Mrs. Lyons: Honey, She’s gonna like you because you’re you, not because of what you wear. Alright, fine. I suppose we could use a new sweater or two. It’s pretty cold up here.
Claire: thank you (7x)
ChrisAbley: on your right.
Massie: Hey watch where you’re going!
ChrisAbley: Hey, isn’t there a law against texting and riding? I’m Chris Abley.
Massie: I’m……
ChrisAbley: Massie Block. I know who you are.
Massie: Really?
ChrisAbley: Sure. I used to come to your parent’s charity auction practically every year.
Massie: Hm. I wonder why we never met.
ChrisAbley: I’ve been MIA the past couple of years. In a boarding school in Connecticut.
Massie: Sounds cliché.
ChrisAbley: Yeah, so is getting kicked out. That’s why I’m back at briarwood for high school
Massie: A bad boy, huh? I guess that explains why you’re on a private trail.
ChrisAbley: Yeah I must have made a wrong turn somewhere.
Massie: or the right one.
ChrisAbley: I should go. I’ll let you have your trail back.
Massie: Oh, no, it’s okay. I love having guests really.
ChrisAbley: Maybe I’ll see you back here. I was thinking riding again on Saturday.
Massie: Sure. Maybe you’d wanna ride together?
ChrisAbley: Sure, it’s a date.
Massie: Did you hear that, Brownie? It’s a date.
Claire’s mom: What about this?
Claire: Mom. At OCD, fashion is a fine art and true form of self-expression.
Claire’s mom: Okay, Okay
Claire: ooh.., these are perfect.
Claire’s mom: Those are nice. Let’s see. Ooh.. $62.
Claire: Excellence isn’t encouraged it’s expected. Expected, Mom.
Claire’s mom: I’m sorry, honey. With the moving and everything this is just too expensive.
Claire: Well, can I look next door? I’m not gonna buy anything I just wanna look for ideas.
Claire’s mom: All right, fine, five minutes. But then we’re going to Old Navy. I think they’re having a sale on turtlenecks—
Claire: Ok, thanks mom.
Dylan: But they look great.
Dylan’s mom: Well I’m Not getting you a size six.
Dylan: But I am a size six.
Dylan’s mom: Well, when you’re a size four again I’ll get you the pants. In every color.
Dylan: [groans]
Claire: moms, they just don’t get it.
Dylan: right? Weren’t they kids once too? I don’t think they have a four in this whole store.
Claire: What about these? These are fours.
Dylan: if I try & fit into these I won’t be able to breath.
Claire: why don’t you switch the tags? Then, your mom thinks you’re buying a four when you’re really buying the six. Then you’re moms happy and you can exhale.
Dylan: You’re brilliant. I’m Dylan.
Claire: Claire.
Alicia & Kristen: We walked in on some dude trying on women’s clothes.
Dylan: No.
Kristen: come on.
Dylan: oh, nice meeting you Claire and thanks.
Claire’s mom: since excellence is expected.
Claire: [SQUEALS] thank you (8x)
Todd: good girls go to Orlando, bad girls go to Miami. Where do ugly girls like you go.
Claire’s mom: Claire, Mrs. Block said you can go to school with Massie.
Claire: oh.
Claire’s mom: you should meet the driver in front of the house at 7:30.
Claire: Their driver is gonna take me to school?
Isaac: You must be Claire.
Claire: Hi, Isaac! Thanks. Wow!
Massie: God, Claire, you scared me. You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that.
Claire: Sorry.
Massie: Oh, It’s fine. Do you mind sitting at the back? We have to pick up a few more.
Claire: oh, Sure.
Massie: Relax Claire. This isn’t Epcot.
Dylan: I swear, celebs are getting more DUIs than Ksubi jeans.
Massie: Hm. Moshino Dress, Alice and Olivia Jacket, Michael Kors Handbag. Adorable. 8.5
Dylan: Thank you. Wait.
Claire: Dylan?
Dylan Claire, right?
Massie: You two know each other?
Dylan: from the mall. Claire’s the one that had a great idea about the pants. When my mom was being a jerk to the tenth degree.
Claire: And then Dylan’s Friends came out and started screaming about some guy.
Massie: Yeah, and those are my friends, too. And FYI, that story’s more last week than white skinny jeans. Claire’s the girl I told you about. The one living in my guest house. Because her parents can’t afford anything else right now.
Claire: Gummi Feet?
Dylan: thanks, but I don’t Eat sugar.
Massie: and I don’t eat feet.
Alicia: Hey.
Dylan: What’s up chica?
Massie: Hey, girl. Vintage Ralph Lauren, 9.
Alicia: Well, you’re a 10. You look, A-mazing.
Massie: Just wait till tomorrow.
Alicia: Why?
Massie, Dylan and Alicia: Because you get better looking everyday. hahaha
Kristen: Hey, Guys.
Massie: Somebody call the fashion police. I’m making a citizen arrest.
Claire: Finally.
Massie: Seriously, Kris, when is your mom gonna let you wear what you want.
Kristen: My question first. One, why does it smell like first class airline food?
Dylan: I started circle diet today. Sorry.
Kristen: and two, who’s the stowaway?
Alicia: Huh. Ehmagawd. Has she been there the whole time?
Massie: That’s Claire.
Kristen: [whispers] do we like her?
Massie: no
Claire: um… Isaac?
Isaac: Claire!, sorry.
Claire: Thanks.
Shelby Rexler: Hey Mass! We missed you guys Saturday night. The party was completely unbloggable without you.
Massie: I know.
Dylan: we heard you had some unexpected visitors.
Kristen: Oh , my god. Jenna Dressler’s wearing her Chihuahua shirt again.
Jenna: hey,you guys. How’s your winter break? Massie, I heard you have a new NBF from Florida
Massie: False. If I had a new best friend, she’d be here right now. Uhh. She’s so off my top 8.
Alicia: She was in your top 8?
Dylan: Ow!
Massie: Juicy Couture sweat suit. No punch back. Wait, I lost an earing. Nobody move. I need to retrace. Fade Out People.
Girl: Hey, look out.
Chris: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. Are you okay? I’m so sorry. I was rushing. My sister, she forgot her thermos so I had to run all the way back here. And I didn’t even…. Are you sure you’re okay?
Claire: I’m sure.
Chris Abeley: I’m Chris Abeley.
Claire: I’m Claire Something.
Chris Abeley: Nice to meet you Claire Something.
Massie: Ugh!
Dylan: What are you doing?
Alicia: uhh. Anger Management much?
Massie: Hello! I can’t wear one earring. I’ll look like Johnny Depp.
Kristen: But wasn’t that a diamond?
Massie: Ugh!
Claire: Hey, Uh…. Do you guys know where room 41 is?
Massie: Yeah, um, turn around and go out these double doors. Take a cab to JFK… and get on the next flight to wherever to how you came from. Latte, anyone?
Claire: I don’t get it. What’s going on?
Massie: Claire, did I invite you to my BBQ?
Claire: Um. No.
Massie: then why are you all up in my grill?
Leesh, Kris, Dyl: Haha
Claire: I don’t get it. Why are you being like this?
Massie: hmm… like what Claire? What am I being like?
Claire: Like… I don’t know…. A bitch?
Massie: What did you just call me?
Claire: Nothing. I mean nothing.
Dylan: I can’t believe she just said that.
Alicia: She called you a bitch to your face.
Kristen: Mass, what are you gonna do to her?
Massie: I don’t know. All I know is that Claire Lyons should consider herself done, done and you know what else?
Alicia, Dylan and Kristen: DONE!
Vincent: Do you need a personal invitation to come in? Give me your e- mail I’ll send you an e- vite.
Claire: Sorry I’m late. I got A little lost.
Vincent: and you are?
Claire: I’m Claire. I’m new.
Vincent: I’m Vincent. I’m old. But you know what they say 32 is the new 22. My likes include broadway musicals, pinya coladas and taking long walks in the rain. And my dislikes are--- Now, what are they again? Oh yeah , Tardiness. There’s a seat by the window. And Miss Rivera this isn’t the changing Room at Saks. Make room. Claire, I’ve seen paint dry faster. Chop, chop. Chop square, please. Okay you have your materials in front of you. You have 15 mins. To paint this as still life.
Alicia: I think I’m gonna use some of that, too. Oh, I’m sorry.
Vincent: Is there a problem ladies?
Claire and Alicia: No.
Alicia: [texting to kristen] “Claire got her”
[girls laughing]
Claire: Do you think I could start over? I’m not good at this yet.
Vincent: Commit to your work miss Lyons. This is a lesson for life. Once you start something you need to stick with it. Oh my god, miss Lyons. Here’s a pass to the nurse. And take your books with you.
Claire: I feel fine.
Vincent: Just go.
Spanish Class: uno, dos, tres, quatro, sinko, sais, siete, ocho, nuebe…
Spanish teacher: In espanol, borfavor.
Dylan: borfavor, uh… mia permisiono al bathimo? Hey, Claire. You look a little lost.
Claire: I’m supposed to go to the nurse’s office.
Dylan: easy, just follow this hall all the way down, past the main office and the gym. Take a right at the band room. It’s the 1st door on the right after that. Be sure to be loud when you go in. Nurse Adele’s a little hard of hearing.
Claire: Thanks Dylan. I really appreciate it.
Dylan: my pleasure. [txting to massie] “ur in for a laff”
Massie’s Teacher: Breathe into your power house. In… and out…
Claire: Nurse Adele.
Massie’s Teacher: Nurse Adele’s office is in the other side of the school by the art wing.
Claire: But I was just there.
Massie’s teacher: [speaking in Sanskrit]
[LAUGHS]
Massie’s teacher: Ladies. Re- Center.
Nurse Adele: Can I help you with something dear?
Claire: um. I don’t know. I’m not really sure why I’m here. Vincent told me to come.
Nurse Adele: Oh. Don’t worry, Got your period.
Claire: No I didn’t. What?
Nurse Adele: Look at the back of your jeans
.
Claire: How is this possible? I, I don’t—
Nurse Adele: Be right back.
Claire: Alicia, red paint.
Nurse Adele: Don’t worry dear. This is also the lost and found. Go through and pick out something you like.
Claire: Really?
Nurse Adele: Really. Whatever you want. These girls have nothing to do with last season’s clothes. Trust me.
Shelby Rexler: Hey, cool top. I had the same one but I lost it.
Massie: Looks like somebody went shopping at Nursestrom’s today. Seven’s, so 3 years ago. Loser, Loser…
Pretty Committee: Double loser, whatever, as if, get the picture, duh.
Alicia: Ow! What the --- ?
Massie: Juicy hoodie, no punch backs. Now, lean in. I’ve got major gossip.
Dylan: how many points does it worth?
Massie: None It’s about me.
Alicia: Why didn’t you tell us in the car?
Massie:[pointing to Claire] There’s a reason I was MIA yesterday.
Dylan: MIA?
Massie: Missing an Armani? I was Being asked out on a date.
Alicia: By a boy?
Massie: As opposed to who? Yes a boy. A Briarwood boy.
Dylan: No.
Massie: Yes, he’s a freshman in high school.
Alicia: Shut Up.
Massie: His name is Chris Abeley. We have to do a major recon after school today.
Kristen: Oh, I don’t know. I have a ton of homework.
Massie: You, seriously cannot be stressed out about school already. It’s only the first day after winter break.
Kristen: Well, I have to come up with the Woman in the Workforce project. I have to have a business plan and a budget. It’s worth like 60% of my grade.
Dylan: Does anyone wanna trade for something edible?
Alicia: Ask her.
Dylan: You guys I feel bad. Maybe we could pull- up a chair?
TPC: [LAUGHING]
Massie: That was C-lairious.
Massie: Okay, so, I called Isaac to meet us here at Briarwood at 4:30 So we have to hurry.
Alicia: Tell that to Chris Abeley. By the way, micro-mini? So not good for spying.
Massie: Quiet. Hey, what happened to the diet?
Dylan: I’m starving. It’s either this or my left arm.
Kristen: It’s 4:15
Massie: Chris Abeley’s gonna be here, don’t worry.
Dylan: Who’s worried?
Alicia: Hear about the New York City Field Trip to the Museum of Modern art? Vincent’s taking the whole seventh grade.
Massie: Oh my God. It’s Chris Abeley.
TPC: Huuuuuuhhhhh.
Massie: There’s Chris Abeley.
Chris’ Friend: I want to, but I don’t know.
Dylan: Eh---
Alicia: Ma---
Kristen: Gawd.
Massie: Look at him, look at him, look at him.
Dylan: he’s coming this way, Chris Abeley’s coming this way.
Alicia: Get down.
Chris’ friend: I got at least 3-4 hours of homework tonight.
Chris Abeley: Really? You do?
Chris’ Friend: Yeah, it’s not even funny.
TPC: [Giggles]
Judi: Hey, How’s your first day?
Claire: Good.
Judi: Hey, whose clothes are those?
Claire: Oh. Massie’s. You know Massie. She keeps like 3 backup clothes in her locker. She wanted me to be dressed more like her.
Judi: Oh. Well, maybe we should return your new jeans, then, huh?
Claire: You can’t. I spilled paint all over it in art class. I’m sorry, mom, I know you’ve spent a lot.
Judi: Oh, no, come on, honey, that’s okay. I mean, it’s just pants, it’s no big deal. I’m just glad that you and Massie are hitting off.
Massie: I hate her. C-laire. She sits there like this perfect, wide-eyed, innocent goody two-shoes. Meanwhile she’s trying to be BFF’s with Dylan and she’s throwing herself to Chris Abeley Behind my back. You can’t just drive into someone else’s town and live in someone else’s house, and try to take over someone else’s friends, right? [Massie types the State of The Union]
State of the Union
IN OUT
First day after hiding in
Winter break bushes
Red cherries diamond earrings
ChrisAbeley CLAIRE!
[After typing what’s IN Massie is gonna say this]: I mean what’s next? She’s gonna change her last name to Block and move into my bedroom? [After typing what’s IN, while she is typing what’s OUT she is gonna sat this]: I may live on 4.6 acres of property [after righting diamond earrings in what’s OUT, she’s gonna say this and after that she’ll type CLAIRE!]: but there is no way that it’s big enough for me and…[typing CLAIRE!]
Massie: I can’t believe that your lips are still red from those cherries
Dylan: I know. Aren’t they luscious?
Alicia: Watev. I just wish my lip gloss lasted that long.
Massie: Actually, if you could sell that, you would make a fortune. Lipstick that lasted 24 hours. You can even wake up pretty.
Kristen: Oh my, God, Massie! That’s what I can do for my project. A makeup company. You guys could help me.
Alicia: Huuuh….YEY!
Massie: OH my God! I’m so smart.
Claire: That really is a good Idea.
Massie: conversation between the taco and burrito, nacho. Anyways, we could make everything ourselves, all natural.
Dylan: And edible. When you get bored of the color, you can eat it.
Alicia: I heart that.
Massie: and we could sell that to the field trip to New York on Saturday. The whole class would be there.
Kristen: You guys, we need a great name.
Dylan: What about homeworks? Because, we make it at home, and it works.
Massie: Homeworks? That makes us sound like losers who don’t have any friends and never go out like, [point to Claire].
TPC: [giggles]
Claire: How about Glambition?
Massie: it’ll do, until I think of something better.
Kristen: oh my, God, we’re gonna be so rich.
Massie: oh pls. we already are.
Isaac: FYI Claire, there are more girls than those girls in this school. Go find ‘em.
Claire: Excuse me is this seat taken? Is that real?
Layne Abeley: I got this at CVS for a buck 20.
Claire: oh, well, you never know. For all I know, those Piccasos on the wall could be real.
Layne: They are. I’m Layne. Claire, right? Yeah, you’re new around here. Word travels fast. Oh, oatmeal?
Claire: no, thanks. I’m trying to cut back.
Layne: uh. One day here and you look like a pure Massie-chist. You guys friends?
Claire: Um… Yeah, we kind of are.
Layne: I didn’t realize that the Pretty Committee was taking new applications for new members.
Claire: hey, cool bag.
Layne: It’s a stereo, fifty bucks, Spencer gifts.
[rock music plays on stereo]
Alicia: oh my , God. That’s so gross.
Massie: What is she doing?
[music stops]
Layne: are you sure it’s okay for you to be sitting here? Massie looks pissed.
Claire: she’s fine, I told her, you know… I can’t hang out with only her all the time.
Layne: yeah, she seems really jealous.
Claire: I’ll text her later. This Is kinda random. But do you have plans for Friday night?
Layne: none. Hey, maybe we could watch a movie or listen to my bag or something.
Claire: That’ll be great.
Mrs. Block: Hi there everybody!
Judi: Oh, Hi!
Mrs. Block: So, Claire, you’re coming to the sleepover, Friday night, right?
Claire: I’m sorry?
Mrs. Block: Massie’s having all the usual suspects, Dylan, Alicia, Kristen.
Claire: She wants me to come?
Mrs. Block: Of course.
Todd: sorry, Todd. NO boys.
Claire: Wow, I love to come.
Mrs. Block: Great! Seven o’clock.
Judi: Sounds great!
Todd: maybe I’ll invite my friends over, too.
Claire: You have friends?
Todd: Don’t you?
Claire: I’m sorry Layne. My parents have to go out Friday night, so I have to babysit my little brother. Maybe, we can hang out another time? Great. Bye.
Kristen: Aww..!!
Dylan: Yeah? I like it. Isn’t it awesome?
Kristen: not. No. Seriously, this is like 60’s slash medieval.
Massie: That’s really cute.
Kristen: Seriously? Check it out.
Dylan: For sure.
Alicia and Massie: Ew…
Massie: Get rid of it. It’s nasty. Oh, God, NO.
Kristen: Oh Yes.
Alicia: Yeah, I…
Massie: Well, you know… What are you doing here?
Claire: I’m here for the sleepover.
Mrs. Block: Hey, Claire… Okay girls, break’s over. Any clothes that you’re donating need to go in these boxes for the auction.
Claire: What auction?
Mrs. Block: We host the OCD auction to raise money for scholarships.
Massie: I know one local charity that could use a donation.
Mrs. Block: Massie, kitchen, now.
Alicia: Hey, let’s go down to the cabana.
Dylan: yeah.
Massie: Mom, how could you do this to me?
Mrs. Block: I told you, If you didn’t invite Claire, I would.
Massie: I didn’t think you actually meant it.
Mrs. Block: Just try to be nice.
Massie: I did, but, mom, you should see how she treats me at school. She’s not this nice, sweet, innocent girl everyone makes her out to be.
Mrs. Block: Massie , I know you, and there are always 2 sides of your story.
Massie: Well, it’d be nice if you took my side for a change.
Mrs. Block: You need to take Bean for a walk.
Massie: um… I’m going down to the cabana. That’s where we sleep. Come if you want, or not.
Claire: Okay.
Alicia: Would you rather be A, a friendless loser or B, a person with tons of friends who secretly hate you?
Dylan: Oh, easy B.
Kristen: Definitely B.
Massie: B all the way.
Alicia: Claire, What do you think? : Would you rather be a friendless loser or a person with tons of friends who secretly hate you?
Claire: Um… I guess, I’d rather be the friendless loser.
Alicia: Congrats, you got your wish.
Dylan: Harsh.
Alicia: I was kidding.
Dylan: Ever play truth or dare?
TPC: Ooohhhh…
Massie: are you just gonna stand there all night?
Alicia: Okay, someone ask me first.
Massie: My house, me first.
Alicia: Hmm… Truth or dare?
Massie: Truth!
Alicia: Okay, Have you ever kissed a boy?
Kristen: NO, you Guys, that’s stupid. We already know the answer.
Massie: no, but ask me after the auction, and the answer will be a definite yes. Okay, Claire, Truth or Dare?
Claire: Hmm… Dare.
Massie: Who do you like?
Claire: Umm… I like a lot of people, I like my parents, my friends- - -
Massie: Not just like. “Like, Like”, Like more than a friend like.
Claire: I don’t know.
Massie: if you had to pick, Someone here in Westchester.
Claire: Well, I guess I don’t really know anyone. Okay, there was this skateboard guy, Chris. He’s got shaggy, blond, hair, deep blue eyes, scar above---
Dylan: You mean Chris Abeley? That was the guy that Massie was talking about kissing.
Claire: Wait, is he your boyfriend?
Alicia: Wow, Claire. Are you accelerated in math? You’re good at putting 2 and 2 together.
Kristen: Guys, stop talking about school, it’s really stressing me out. Can we just, go to bed?
Alicia: [Making farting noise with hands] Oh, My , God, Claire, was that you? How embarrassing.
Claire: Funny, Leesh, I thought that was your boobs rubbing together.
Dylan: Snap.
Alicia: Let’s just go to sleep.
Massie: Claire, wait. You don’t have to go.
Claire: Have to? I want to.
Massie: Fine, whatever.
Kristen: should we make our lip gloss with lavender oil or peanut oil? Or this recipe is both?
Dylan: Not Peanut. Massie’s allergic.
Massie: Pl-ease. Nothing touches these lips but MAC and---
Alicia: Chris Abeley.
Massie: Exactly.
Alicia: No, I meant Chris Abeley, he’s here.
Massie: Huh. What?
Layne: Hey, Claire.
Claire: Hey. Glad you could make it.
Layne: Oh, Claire, meet my brother.
Claire: Chris! We’ve met.
Chris Abeley: We had a little run-in on the first day of school.
Claire: Well, if you’re looking for your girlfriend, she’s up there.
Chris Abeley: My girlfriend lives across town.
Claire: but I thought your girlfriend was---
Layne: Fawn. Yeah, she’s perfect, she’s beautiful, and they’ve been together since the 7th grade. It’s sickening.
Chris & Layne Abeley’s dad: Chris, if you wanna go riding, we gotta go.
Claire: Oh, Chris, wait. It’s just something in your hair.
TPC: [Gasping]
Claire: There. Got it.
Massie: Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Massie: Hey.
Chris Abeley: Hey.
Massie: So how could you come into my house, and not bother to say hi?
Chris Abeley: Sorry. My dad he was in a hurry.
Massie: How could you have not told me that Layne’s your sister? I love Layne.
Chris Abeley: Really? Since When?
Massie: Since always. We should invite Layne riding sometime.
Chris Abeley: Yeah, Layne doesn’t really ride.
Massie: I could teach her. I’m a great teacher. Patient and compassionate and---
Chris Abeley: and the modest.
Massie: Yeah, that too. We should all hang out sometime.
Chris Abeley: What are you doing with my hat?
Massie: I’m gonna donate it at the auction on Saturday.
Chris Abeley: You Better Not.
Massie: You’ll just have to come.
Chris Abeley: Actually, the day of the auction is my birthday.
Massie: Oh, what better place to celebrate? Layne, you’re the person I wanted to see.
Layne: I am?
Massie: Mm-hm. I have so much to tell you.
Claire: Layne! Layne! I tried to MySpace you last night, but it didn’t go through.
Layne: The thing is, I don’t really have time for friend requests right now, because, I’m really busy, baby-sitting my brother.
Claire: Haha, but your brother’s 15.
Massie: Layne! Laayne… are we still on for manis and pedis after school?
Layne: For suresies.
Claire: whoa. Wait a sec. You and Massie? Since when do you want to be friends with her?
Layne: Everyone wants to be friends with Massie. Isn’t that why you lied to me and ditched me for hr sleepover? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Hey, Mass! Wait up! Hey! Massie! Wait up.
Massie: Layne, enough with the all caps. Stop yelling. I told you not to talk to me at school.
Layne: But I thought we were friends now.
Massie: We are. Secret friends, Top Secret.
Layne: Okay…
Kristen: HI! Why were you talking to Layne Abeley?
Massie: I was yelling at her, for getting oatmeal on my Fendi. Enough about Layne.
Kristen: I’m calling an emergency Glambition meeting after school. The field trip is in 6 days, and we haven’t even made our lip gloss yet.
Massie: I actually got somewhere to go after school.
Kristen: Does it involve, someone named Chris Babeley?
Massie: Uhh… You Can say that. Listen, tell you what. Meet at my house at 5 and tell the girls. What I have to do shouldn’t take too long.
Kristen: Okay.
Massie: Bye. All right.
Kristen: Bye.
Massie: Laayne!!!!!!!!! Layne, come on your waters getting cold. Sorry, This is her 1st time. Do you have any US Weekly’s around here?
Layne: Okay…
Massie: Um… FYI, you’re only supposed to pick one.
Layne: I think it’d be cool to have a different color on each finger and toe, don’t you? Ah!!! Okay, hot! It’s hot.
Massie: You’ll get used to it. Just stick your feet in and relax… quietly.
Layne: Okay. All right. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Massie: So, tell me about Chris. Are you 2 close?
Layne: Yeah, we’re like besties. We tell each other everything.
Massie: So, has he mention me?
Layne: uh, no. [giggles] That tickles. [Laughs]
Kristen: Um… We’re having a private meeting.
Dylan: If Mass ever shows.
Alicia: Claire, are you a bird?
Claire: No.
Alicia: Then, why is your suit so cheap?
Kristen, Alicia, Dylan: Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap…
Claire: Actually, Leesh, it’s an original Astrid, from Brazil. I’m surprised you couldn’t tell.
Alicia: I have heard of Astrid.
Dylan: I read an article about her in Teen Vogue.
Claire: You mean him?
Kristen: Seriously, what is taking Massie so long? This project is worth like a bazzilion percent of my grade. If I fail, I’m stealing her tweezers for a month.
Claire: Well, would it kill you to have a little fun while you waited?
Alicia: With you? Probably.
Claire: [Screams]
Dylan: That was sweet.
Claire: You, guys should really come in.
Kristen: Why not? It’s not like we’re doing anything.
………………………..
Massie: What’s going on? I thought we were having a meeting?
Kristen: Well, we were, but you were an hour late.
Massie: I wasn’t late, I was lost. Thank God Chris Abeley was a boy scout. Or I swear I would never made it out of the woods. I seriously could’ve died out there.
Alicia: Thank God you’re safe.
Dylan: What if something happened to you?
Kristen: We would’ve never finished our project.
Massie: Nice suit C-laire.
Dylan: It’s an original Astrid.
Massie: Unless Astrid means, bargain-basment, chain-store, low-rent, knockoff. I don’t think so.
Judy: Hey. What’s up?
Claire: Hey.
Judy: What’s wrong? Claire, Claire. What’s wrong? What happened?
Claire: Nothing.
Judy: Did something happen at the pool? .... Was it Massie? ….. What did she do?
Claire: I told you, nothing.
Judy: If it’s nothing, then why are you so upset? … Either you tell me what’s going on here or I’m gonna find out for myself.
Claire: Mom, no, please. You can’t do that. It was just a stupid understanding. It was nothing. I’ll talk to Massie about it. It’ll cool, really.
Judy: Why don’t you go talk about it right now?
Claire: After dinner, once my homework is done.
Judy: Fine, after dinner. Either you talk to Massie or I’m gonna talk to her mom. Okay?
Claire: Hi, Mrs. Block! Is Massie home?
Mrs. Block: No, honey, she’s not. Can I help you?
Claire: I just need to talk to her about… Pre-Algebra.
Mrs. Block: She just took Bean for a walk. You’re welcome to wait for her.
Claire: Okay.
(Claire was in Massie’s room. She saw Massie’s computer. She chatted with HOLAGURRL a.k.a. Alicia Rivera as Massie.)
Alicia: How hilars was @ the pool 2day? Chain-store, ew.
Claire: leesh!
Alicia: ? r u up 2?
Claire: Off 2 hang at claire’s.
Alicia: ? x 10?
Claire: luv her now. so fun.
Alicia: oooohkaaay.
Claire: btw, got the Qtest outfit for 2morrow. Denim over tights.
Alicia: WHAT?
Claire: Don’t yell. :) I saw it in T-Vogue. Tell k&d g2g2 C’s.
(In the car)
Massie: I didn’t realize Peter Pan was holding auditions today. I Hope you get the part!
Massie: Ew. What are you wearing?
Alicia: What are you wearing? I thought we were going all Teen Vogue-ish today. Hey, Claire.
Claire: Hey, Leesh.
Massie: Come on, Bean.
Bean: (2x Bark)
(Claire was in Massie’s room. She used Massie’s computer. She chatted with BIGREDHEAD a.k.a. Dylan Marvil as Massie.)
Claire: ? up?
Dylan: bio :(
Claire: (typing on the computer)
(this part is not on the computer.)
Todd: Hey.
Claire: Huh! Todd.
Todd: Don’t mind me.
Claire: What are you doing?
Todd: What are you doing? (Opened Massie’s diary)
Dylan: Wat r u wearing 2 the auction? i’m thinking suede mini, barney’s catalog, pg 23
Claire: do u really think ur legs would look good in a mini?
Dylan: WHAT?
Claire: just asking.
(BigRedHead Signed off.)
Massie: Even Mary-Kate knew when her boho look had run its course.
Dylan: Laundry day.
Massie: Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Where are you, Bean?
Claire: Shhh… No Barking and no pooping. I’ll be back soon.
(Claire was in Massie’s room. She used Massie’s computer. She chatted with SexySportsBabe a.k.a. Kristen Gregory as Massie.)
Claire: hey, Kris.
Kristen: hey, Mass.
Claire: can u believe Dylan 2day? Fashion disaster!!!
Kristen: SNAP!
Todd: Man, I can’t believe this.
Claire: gimme a sec…
Claire: Todd, stop doing that.
Todd: She’s got like a gazillion pictures. But don’t you think she’d got one without her annoying friends?
Claire: Don’t worry. If this works out, Massie will be without her annoying friends soon enough. And put the pictures back.
Todd: “an put the pictures back”.
Claire: u still there?
Kristen: Always.
Claire: doin homework?
Kristen: glambition. g2get an A Mass.
Claire: Wut if u don’t.
Kristen: u don’t wanna know.
Claire: Parents?
Kristen: Everything.
Claire: ??????
Kristen: 4get it.
Claire: No. Tell me. Secret 4 a secret?
Kristen: No.
Claire: Come on. I have something that I haven’t told anyone.
Kristen: Okay, u first.
Claire: Okay. U know how I’ve been hanging out with Chris Abeley? Well, I’ve been hanging with Layne too.
Kristen: Oh My God.
Claire: And I actually like her.
Kristen: Oh My God x 2!
Claire: Okay. You’re turn.
Kristen: Okay. But you can’t tell. You know how I’m always worried about my grades? It’s not because I have strict parents. It’s because I have poor parents. I’m on a scholarship at OCD.
Claire: Oh My God x 3! But you live in a Montador building.
Kristen: No. We live in apartment building next door. You better not tell. Not Even for gossip points.
Massie: bean!
Kristen: Massie, Promise.
Massie: Bean, are you in here?
Todd: It’s Massie. She’s back, she’s coming.
Claire: Go, go under the bed. Go.
Massie: Bean.
(Massie got into her room. She chatted with Kristen)
Kristen: Seriously, you can’t tell the other girls.
Massie: What r u talking about?
Kristen: What I just told you.
Massie: Huh?
Kristen: Nice, 4get it Mass.
Massie: (Groans)
Claire: We have to do something. We can’t stay under here all night. You have to go out there.
Todd: No way.
Claire: You can play the “the creepy little brother crushing on the hot neighbor” angle. Todd, I’m serious. Help!
Todd: If I do this, you owe me bigtime.
Massie: Oh My God! What are you doing in here?
Todd: Wait, this isn’t the guest house?
Massie: Oh My God! Mom. Mom. What is going on?
Claire: Huh. Thank God.
Todd: Thank me.
Alicia: What’s that?
Massie: A letter to the West Law neighborhood security. I’m thinking of filing a restraining order against that prepubescent monkey boy living in my guest house.
Alicia: Why don’t you talk to your new BFF about it? After all, the monkey freaks her brother.
Massie: Claire’s not my BFF. Kristen’s the one who asked her to sign up for squash with us.
Kristen: She gave me her extra racket so I don’t have to buy one. What was I supposed to do? Ignore her?
Massie: Uh… Yeah… That’s what we always do. And since when can’t you afford your own racket?
Kristen: Nice, Mass, that’s real nice. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Massie: What?
Dylan: Remind me not to go on the scale anymore.
Massie: Uh… Dyl… If you’re gonna weigh yourself, take off that tent you call a skirt. It must weigh like 15 pounds.
Dylan: which is nothing compared to my thunder thighs right?
Massie: What is everyone’s problem? Who are you people and what have you done to my friends?
Alicia: By friends, do you mean us or Layne?
Massie: I’m not friends with Lame Abeley.
Claire: Hey guys, What’s going on?
Alicia: Well, what is going on is there is a spot in our foursome just opened up. Wanna join us Claire?
Claire: But I thought you already had 4?
Dylan: Not anymore.
Massie: Whoa, you…. Wait a sec. You guys are choosing C-laire over me?
Alicia: Well?
Claire: I’m in.
Layne: Hey, Mass. There is an empty seat here if you wanna sit with us, you know?
Massie: Um… No that’s okay. Have you seen Jenna or Tricia?
Layne: I said that you could sit with--------
Massie: The only place where I wanna sit is with my friends. I wouldn’t be caught dead sitting with you. I don’t even like you.
Layne: God, you really are bitch.
Massie: Sorry, no comprende I don’t speak loser.
Layne: No hablas bitch.
Jenna: Mass, there’s a free seat right here.
Girls: [Laughing]
Isaac: Where is everyone?
Massie: They’re in detention. Let’s just go.
Isaac: Oh wait. There they are.
[Girls walking by…. Chattering.]
Massie: Can we just go?
Alicia: Okay… We need a dressing room.
Claire: But I thought you said you already have a totally slutty dress to wear to the auction.
Alicia: I do. These are for you.
Claire: I can’t. I spent all my allowance on that Chloe handbag. The one Lindsay Lohan was carrying in that accident.
Alicia: So, I’ll pay.
Claire: You’d buy me a dress?
Alicia: Actually, one of my 3 best friends will.
Claire: Dylan, Kristen or Massie?
Alicia: No, triVisa, MasterCard or Amex. Oh. And this is for you.
Claire: Your cell?
Alicia: I upgraded. iPhone.
Claire: I can’t take your cellphone.
Alicia: Why? I’m not using it. And I’ve erased all my info’s, you can totally make it yours. Besides, we can’t hang with you, if we can’t reach you.
Dylan: Hey, When we’re done, let’s go back to my house.
Claire: I don’t know. I have to be home by 5.
Dylan: Make it 7. Trust me. It’ll be worth it.
(Claire, Alicia, Kristen and Dylan are in Dylan’s house. Hanging out.)
On the phone:
Claire: Thanks, Leesh. Today was seriously, like, the greatest day ever.
Judi: Where have you been? We have been worried sick. I called Layne, Massie. I sent your father out to look for you.
Claire: You called Massie? What did she say?
Judi: She said you were probably out with Dylan, Alicia and Kristen. Claire!
Claire: What??? We were shopping. Big deal.
Judi: It’s a big deal when you are over 2 hours late!
Claire: I needed a dress for the auction.
Judi: What? From BCBG? We Can’t afford that.
Claire: It’s fine, Mom. Alicia paid.
Judi: No, Claire, It’s not fine.
Claire: Then, What is?!?!?! For me to wear overalls or some lame bathing suit? We’re not in Florida anymore, Mom. The Gap doesn’t cut it here.
Judi: Neither does your attitude.
Claire: Well, sue me for trying to fit in.
Judi: You’re not hanging with those girls anymore.
Claire: Mom, you can’t do that.
Judi: Oh, yes I can. And if you continue with this attitude you will not be needing a dress to go to that auction, because you will not be going.
Claire: Groans.
Massie: IMing.
Massie to Leesh: Leesh, u there?
Massie to Dylan: Dyl?
Massie to Kristen: Kris. Ok I know that u don’t want 2 talk to me, but the Glambition tubes were sent to my house. I know you want an A so…
Massie: “Yes…”
Massie: So It’s all in there. There’s also 4 different flavors. Alicia, Kristen, Dylan and Massie. But you can get rid of the Massie if you want.
Kristen: are you seriously trying to make me feel bad for you or something?
Massie: You should feel bad. You guys ditched me for no reason, and worse, for Claire. That’s like turning down, I don’t know, Justin Timberlake for K-Fed. It’s just wrong.
Kristen: You’re the one who decided to be buddy-buddy with her.
Massie: Since when?
Kristen: Since you guys started hanging out and watching her DVDs together.
Massie: the only thing I have watched with Claire are her chronic bad hair days.
Kristen: you told Alicia after you called Dylan fat.
Massie: I never called Dylan fat.
Kristen: Yes you did. 2 nights ago.
Massie: No, I didn’t, well, at least not to her face.
Kristen: Look I’ll prove it. See? She called me right after, 1o:o1.
Massie: 2 nights ago at 10:01 I was out looking for Bean. That’s why I missed the beginning of The Hills.
Kristen: but that does not mean any sense. Dylan said, you IM’d her.
Massie: Well I didn’t .
Kristen: Right… Just Like you don’t remember what I told you.
Massie: What you told me when?
Kristen: the night after, when we were IMing.
Massie: When You were mad at me for no reason? Which by the way was so selfish. Considering I waited an hour for Chris Abeley showed.
Kristen: Wait. When were you waiting for Chris Abeley?
Massie: Like, until 10:00!
Kristen: we were IMing before that.
Massie: NO I wasn’t! but Maybe someone else was.
Judi: Claire! It’s for you…
The Pretty Committee and Claire were at the telephone.
Kristen: Hey C-laire. It’s K-ris.
Claire: Hey. Hold on a sec. “todd, hang up the phone. I can hear you breathing.
Dylan: actually, It’s not todd. It’s me.
Claire: Dylan?
Alicia: and me.
Claire: Oh hey Leesh. Wow, I’ve never been on a 4 way before. Fun!
Massie: Actually it’s a 5-way. Fun’s over. We know what you did Claire. Hijacking my IM so not cool. So here’s a little message for you.
“ur not only done
U r well done”
(GIRLS LAUGHING AND CHATTERING)
Massie: Leesh. My mom will freak if she sees your feet on the counter. Okay here.
Kristen: I’m excited. They’re so cute.
Alicia: Oh my God.
Massie: Okay, ready? One, two, three go.
Alicia: Okay. Oh my God.
Kristen: What is this?
Dylan: Oh my God.
Kristen: Adorable.
Massie: I figured they’re so much cuter than lab coats.
Kristen: Agreed.
Dylan: Oh, look, it says Glambition on the back.
Alica: I heart this.
Dylan: It says our names. Awesome.
Massie: Okay, girls. Where’s the bottles, the recipes?
Kristen: Okay. Recipe number one. Two tablespoons of honey, three to four drops of peanut oil, four ounces of vanilla.
Massie: Okay, I need an honest opinion.
Dylan: No your butt doesn’t look big.
Massie: Please, I know. The day of the auction is Chris Abeley’s birthday. As his practically girlfriend, I need to do something really memorable. I am now opening the floor to suggestions.
Dylan: Oh, I know. You should bake him a cake.
Kristen: What?
Dylan: My mom always says the best way to a boy’s heart is through his stomach.
Alicia: No, no. How about you be in a cake….
Kristen and Alicia: ….and jump out?
Kristen: Yeah, that’s great.
Alicia: Yeah.
Massie: Please, that’s ridiculous.
Dylan: More than ridiculous, ridunkulous.
Kristen: Yeah, but it would be kind of cool to wear a cute little outfit or something. You know, when you jump out.
Massie: You know what? I’m gonna do that and something better. God, I’m a genius
Alicia: Do you have a problem, Stare?
Claire: No. My mom wanted to borrow an egg.
Massie: An egg? Sure. Here you go. Catch. I am so back. (WINK)
Judi: Hey, what’s happened? Claire, wait a minute. Claire what’s wrong?
Claire: Leave me alone.
Judi: No Claire. I let it go last time. Tell me what’s wrong.
Claire: (CRYING) Everything. This school, this house, my clothes, Massie, everything. She hates me mom, she hates me. She’s been making my life miserable since the day we came. At first, you know, I just wanted her to like me. But then, I was just hoping that she’d stop picking on me. I tried everything. And I did some things that I shouldn’t have done. I thought it was the only way. I thought it was the only way to…
Judi: To what? Oh Claire, listen to me. You can’t make someone like you. You’re not in charge of other people’s feelings, or they’re actions, only yours. Maybe some of your actions weren’t great either. You wanna tell me what you did?
Claire: I can’t. You wouldn’t understand.
Judi: Right, cause I was never 12. Oh, honey. Whatever you did, you have to make it right. But whatever it is, I guarantee you, it’s not as bad as you think.
Claire: It’s worse.
Judi: be yourself, Claire, not who people want you to be.
Claire: Can I sit here? Listen, Layne, I’m sorry for everything. For ditching you for the sleepover. For pretending to be friends with Massie. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just I wanted to be part of them. A part of that group. And the more they excluded me, the more important it became. The way people treat them, the way that they can have anything they want whenever they want, well, I guess I wanted that too. I have no idea what makes them special. They just are.
Layne: It’s just because they just believe that they are. So other people do too. Even me sometimes.
Massie: Can I please have your attention? Ex-ca-use me? Thank you. Now, who’s ready for a revolutionary line of cosmetics? Something that tastes, as good as it looks. I present to you Glambition. And now, our esteemed ridiculously hot president, Kristen Gregory.
Kristen: Glambition is a new line of beauty products made entirely of all-natural ingredients. Over the next few weeks, we will introduce to you our entire line of body scrubs, creams, glitters, and check tints. Today, for the very low price of one for $6 and two for $10 dollars we are launching our flavored lip gloss which comes in four flavors: mint, cherry, vanilla and raspberry. Also known as Dylan, Alicia, Kristen and Massie.
Massie: And you better hurry, we expect the Massies to sell out real fast. Oh, sorry Layne, we don’t sell oatmeal flavor.
Layne: hahahaha, I’d wish she’d swallow her tongue.
Girl 1: It stings.
Girl 2: Oh my God.
(CHATTERING)
Girl 3: My lips are burning!
Jenna: Mine too! My lips are on fire!
Claire: It looks like Jenna’s lips got a boob job.
Massie: This is not funny!
Layne and Claire: Yes it is.
Vincent: What’s the problem?
Girl 3: Oh my God, I need water.
Vincent: Okay, girls, please settle down. We need to – (VINCENT SCREAMING)
Girl 3: I want my money back.
Jenna: Oh my God. My dad’s gonna sue you.
Kristen: Oh my God. Oh my God. I’m a fail. Do something.
Massie: Okay, okay. Is anyone here allergic to peanuts?
Girl 4: Me, I am.
Layne: They made their make up with peanuts? That’s the most common allergy ever.
Claire: Everyone says they’re popular, but nobody said they’re geniuses.
(PHONE BEEPING)
Massie texted Claire: Oatmeal will help with swelling. Read it in Cosmo.
Claire: Layne, your oatmeal, I need it.
Layne: Okay.
Claire: Everybody, listen up. I have oatmeal.
Girl 3: We don’t need oatmeal. We need help.
Jenna: Yeah, help us.
Layne: Since when did you want to help the Pretty Committee?
Claire: Since everyone’s lips are inflating to the size of Jessica Simpson’s. This will help. Here you go. Take it. I know it gross, take it.
Girl 3: (SIGHS)
Jenna: Thank God.
Girl 3: Thank you so much, Claire. I don’t know what I would’ve done. My lips are my best feature.
Kristen: Claire, hey. I just wanted to say thanks for saving the day.
Claire: Yeah, who would’ve thought? Zero to hero, even if it was just for a few minutes.
Kristen: Looks like you made some friends.
Claire: Look, you don’t have to be nice to me now.
Kristen: I wasn’t going to, it’s just... I’m glad I told you secret instead of Massie.
Massie: Kris, could use your help back here. After all you are Glambition’s president. This is all your idea.
Kristen: I guess I’ll see you around.
Claire: Yeah. See you.
Layne: So, I’m thinking, oatmeal flavor, might be a bestseller.
Man 1: Yes. Oh, hey, how are you?
William Block: It’s good to see you. Thanks for coming.
Woman 1: I’m sorry.
Mrs. Block: Oh, beautiful. Great to see you.
William Block: How are you? Good to see you. All right, have fun.
Man 2: Very good, very good.
Claire: Layne. Wow. You look awesome.
Layne: Oh.
Claire: Does everyone party like this in Westchester?
Layne: Well, no one throws a party like the Blocks. Oh hey.
Chris Abeley: Hey.
Claire: Hey, happy birthday.
Chris Abeley: Thanks. Claire, this is my girlfriend, Fawn.
Claire: Nice to me you.
Fawn: You too.
Layne: Hey Fawn.
Fawn: Hi.
Chris Abeley: All right. We’ll see you guys later.
Fawn: Bye.
Claire: Wow. Not even Massie could compete with her. She’s beautiful.
Layne: Yeah. Speaking of Massie…
Kristen: It looks so awesome.
(CHATTERING)
Massie: Ta-da!
Alicia: Oh, my God. Where’d you get that? That’s really cute!
Kristen: Really cute!
Dylan: You look amazing.
Kristen: Yeah, Chris Babely is seriously gonna freak.
Alicia: A hundred dollars says tonight, you’re getting your first kiss.
Massie: And maybe my second and third, too.
Dylan: Oh, my God. That’s so cute.
Kristen: That’s adorable.
Alicia: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Mrs. Block: And sold for $15,000. Thank you.
Layne: I wish we could bid on something.
Claire: Thank there’ll be anything that goes for under 20 bucks?
Layne: Oh, hey.
Mrs. Block: We’ll start bidding at $12.
Layne: Still no Massie. Maybe the wicked witch of Westchester is dead.
Claire: I’ll be right back.
Claire: Alicia, these are yours. The dresses. My parents thought I should give them back. And your cell phone’s in there too.
Alicia: By the way, nice job trying to oust Massie. You got closer than I ever did.
Mrs. Block: Sold for $17, 500 to the lucky lady. –Thank you.
Claire: Dylan, For what it’s worth, you would’ve rock that in mini skirt.
Mrs. Block: Before we wrap up our auction…
Dylan: Thanks.
Mrs. Block: Please save room for our dessert---
Claire: Where’s Massie?
Mrs. Block: ---because we have a very special birthday presentation. Chris Abeley, this one’s for you.
Massie: [Laughs]
Claire: I think it would be nice if someone….
Massie: ---What the? ----
Claire: ….said a few words about Chris.
Massie: ---Claire Lyons, I’m gonna kill you!
Claire: I think I’d like Fawn, Chris’ girlfriend, to please come up. Chris’ girlfriend, Fawn, come up here.
Massie: Fawn? Girlfriend?
Fawn: Um…. I really don’t know what to say. Chris and I met back in the seventh grade, you know. I wasn’t really that interested…. [still speaking]
Claire: Massie, it’s safe to come out now.
Massie: He has a girlfriend? I think I’m gonna barf. Is it possible to actually die of embarrassment?
Claire: If it were, I would be dead a long time ago.
Massie: They fall of all the time, the charms.
Claire: Mh-Hm.
Massie: Um… Thanks. You know. For helping me back there. You didn’t have to do that.
Claire: I know.
Massie: then, why did you?
Claire: Because I’m not you. That was you, right? Who sent the oatmeal text?
Massie: Yeah.
Claire: Why? You could’ve been the hero. Why’d you let me?
Massie: I don’t know. I wanted to.
Claire: C’mon. What about all the other times you’ve tried to make my life miserable?
Massie: You don’t get it, Claire.
Claire: You’re right I don’t.
Massie: Look how quickly my friends were willing to ditch me for you.
Claire: Yeah, so, what, you have to be mean to me?
Massie: I mean, c’mon. you’re like a major threat.
Claire: Me? To who? You? Are you kidding me?
Massie: Hey, the singing stopped. Well, I better go find the girls. It’ not really a party without me.
Claire: This is going to sound totally weird, but can I take your picture? It’s for my brother.
Massie: How can you two be related? He’s such a little creep.
Claire: I know.
Massie: Here. And for the record, I’d pick A too.
Claire: What’s A-2?
Massie: I’d rather be a friendless loser than have a bunch of friends that secretly hate me.
Massie: (Shouting) Oh My God!
You are single-handedly ruining my life. You have to be kidding me.
Massie’s dad: We’re serious about this Massie.
Massie: So am I. I already made plans. This party isn’t just a party. It’s the last party before winter break is over. Forget about the event of the season. It’s the event of all four.
Massie’s mom: Sorry but the Lyons are gonna be here for dinner.
Massie: The Lyons? Are the tigers and the bears coming too? Oh my.
Massie’s mom: Massie we talked about this weeks ago.
Massie’s dad: You remember Jay? My best friend from business school? He’s moving up here from Florida with his family. They have a son Todd, a daughter Claire. She’s your age? They’ll stay in the guest house until they find a place to stay of their own. Does any of this even ring the smallest of bells?
Massie: Uh, no.
Massie’s mom: You’ll be at dinner and you’ll be pleasant.
Massie: Mom, you always said I should honor my commitments, right? Well I made a verbal commitment to Shelby Rexler that I’ll be at her party. Tonight.
Massie’s mom: I’m not discussing this anymore.
Massie: Dad.
Massie’s dad: You heard your mother.
Massie: Mom, if I miss this, it’d be starting the second semester on the completely wrong foot, worse than the wrong foot, it’d be like wearing the wrong outfit [GROANS]. Bean, tell me this isn’t happening. This is my worse nightmare. Worse than the one where my Amex was rejected, worse than the one where I lost my Prada bag.
Bean: And look I already had my outfit picked out and everything. If I have to miss this everyone has to miss this.
[The 4 way call]
Alicia: Hey!
Massie: put the brush down I’m getting Dylan.
Dylan: I was just about to call you. I’m in the middle of a wardrobe crisis.
Alicia: Hey, Dyl!
Dylan: Hey, Alicia! Ow!
Massie: I’ll get Kristen.
Alicia: She’s school shopping. She’s already called me 3 times to ask if we really need a compass and a protractor.
Dylan: What did you tell her?
Alicia: To get a life.
Kristen: Mass, I can’t really talk right now. But did you get a compass and a protractor?
Massie: Who cares? P.S. Leesh and Dyl on the line.
Kristen: Hey, Girlies!
Massie: so, what I’m about to tell you is gonna score me major gossip points, like Shelby Rexler did not chop her hair off to look more like Keira Knightley, she’s head lice
Kristen, Alicia and Dylan: EW! GROSS!
Massie: I know I say we bag the party I’m not trading my Frederic Fekkai for Nix.
Dylan: But it’s an 8th grade party and we’re the only 7th graders invited.
Massie: Please…, I’m not gonna be caught dead at a party thrown by anyone under the age of 15. It’s worse than wearing crocs.
Dylan: Wait, head lice and crocs?
Alicia: No one’s actually wearing crocs Dyl.
Massie: Actually, I think Shelby has a pear, in orange.
Kristen, Alicia and Dylan: EW!
Kristen: Forget it, I’m out
Alicia: Me, too
Dylan: Me three
Massie: That’s what I thought
Massie’s Mom: Mass, the Lyons will be here soon. You might wanna change
Massie: Can I change the fact that they’re gonna be here?
Massie’s Mom: Look, I’ll make a deal with you. If you adjust your attitude, be nice to Claire…
Massie: Who’s Claire?
Massie’s Mom: The Lyons daughter. Be Nice to her and I’ll let you go to the end of Shelby’s party. Oh, My God. Thank you (3x)
Massie’s Mom: Now, go get changed.
Bean: [BARK]
Massie: Bean. Bean, chill.
Todd: Dad, how many people live here?
Claire: is this really our new house?
Massie: Bean, what’s one step worse than a fashion don’t? Fashion don’t-even-think-about-it.
Massie’s Dad: They’re here!
Massie: I’m not even ready yet.
Claire’s dad and Massie’s dad: Hey
Massie’s mom: oh, look. Hey. You made it.
Massie’s dad: good to see you.
Massie: what do you think, Bean? Perfect right?
Massie’s dad: There she is, perfect timing. This is our daughter, Massie.
Claire: Hi, my parents told me all about you.
Massie: Huh… Mine barely mentioned you.
Claire: Ohhh…..
Massie: Except to say how fun and cool you are. Uh, hello?
She’s a dog not a baseball glove.
Todd: hey, come here.
Claire: Sorry, he must have forgotten to take his meds.
Massie: meds?
Claire: that was a joke.
Massie: Funny
Jay and William: good to see you
Massie’s mom: This is delicious
Mrs. Lyon: Claire helped pick that out.
Claire: Sorry. It’s for your charm bracelet.
Massie: Really? I never would’ve guessed thanks.
Mrs. Lyon: I remember your mom wrote in a Christmas card one year that you wanted to be a singer?
Massie: Right, when I was 7.
Todd: [laughing]
Massie: Um. Thanks.
Mrs. Block: So, Claire, I heard you’re straight A student.
Jay: She was the top three in her school in her science fair project.
Mrs. Lyon: and she won the district spelling bee contest last year.
Massie: Wow.
William: That’s very impressive, Claire.
Mrs. Block: Massie, Why don’t you tell Claire about Octavian Country Day? Massie Just loves OCD. Right, Massie?
Massie: Oh, right. Um, small classes, nice teachers for the most part. There’s only one problem no boys.
William: Who says that’s a problem?
Massie: um, the girls who go there, dad. Mr. Lyons, let me get that for you.
Jay: Sure.
Todd: You complete me.
Massie: ew!
Mrs. Block: Excuse me. They were still eating.
Massie: please. You promised I could go to the party.
Claire: A party?
Mrs. Block: Thanks, Claire. Maybe Claire would like to go with you.
Claire: Oh, I’m up for.., you know… whatever.
Mrs. Block: Sweetie are you okay?
Massie: Um… you know what? I think I’m gonna go to bed. I don’t feel so well.
Claire: Night, Massie. I hope it’s nothing serious.
Mrs. Block: Get some sleep, honey. I’m sure it will be gone in the morning.
Massie: I seriously hope so.
Claire: Did you see her clothes and her shoes and her hair? I swear, she looked straight out of a magazine.
Mrs. Lyons: She’s pretty cute.
Claire: Could we go shopping for the 1st day of school
Mrs. Lyons: What about the clothes we bought before we left Florida?
Claire: T.J. Max isn’t gonna cut it here, Mom. It’s like designer everything. Please I just wanna fit in. I really want her to like me.
Mrs. Lyons: Honey, She’s gonna like you because you’re you, not because of what you wear. Alright, fine. I suppose we could use a new sweater or two. It’s pretty cold up here.
Claire: thank you (7x)
ChrisAbley: on your right.
Massie: Hey watch where you’re going!
ChrisAbley: Hey, isn’t there a law against texting and riding? I’m Chris Abley.
Massie: I’m……
ChrisAbley: Massie Block. I know who you are.
Massie: Really?
ChrisAbley: Sure. I used to come to your parent’s charity auction practically every year.
Massie: Hm. I wonder why we never met.
ChrisAbley: I’ve been MIA the past couple of years. In a boarding school in Connecticut.
Massie: Sounds cliché.
ChrisAbley: Yeah, so is getting kicked out. That’s why I’m back at briarwood for high school
Massie: A bad boy, huh? I guess that explains why you’re on a private trail.
ChrisAbley: Yeah I must have made a wrong turn somewhere.
Massie: or the right one.
ChrisAbley: I should go. I’ll let you have your trail back.
Massie: Oh, no, it’s okay. I love having guests really.
ChrisAbley: Maybe I’ll see you back here. I was thinking riding again on Saturday.
Massie: Sure. Maybe you’d wanna ride together?
ChrisAbley: Sure, it’s a date.
Massie: Did you hear that, Brownie? It’s a date.
Claire’s mom: What about this?
Claire: Mom. At OCD, fashion is a fine art and true form of self-expression.
Claire’s mom: Okay, Okay
Claire: ooh.., these are perfect.
Claire’s mom: Those are nice. Let’s see. Ooh.. $62.
Claire: Excellence isn’t encouraged it’s expected. Expected, Mom.
Claire’s mom: I’m sorry, honey. With the moving and everything this is just too expensive.
Claire: Well, can I look next door? I’m not gonna buy anything I just wanna look for ideas.
Claire’s mom: All right, fine, five minutes. But then we’re going to Old Navy. I think they’re having a sale on turtlenecks—
Claire: Ok, thanks mom.
Dylan: But they look great.
Dylan’s mom: Well I’m Not getting you a size six.
Dylan: But I am a size six.
Dylan’s mom: Well, when you’re a size four again I’ll get you the pants. In every color.
Dylan: [groans]
Claire: moms, they just don’t get it.
Dylan: right? Weren’t they kids once too? I don’t think they have a four in this whole store.
Claire: What about these? These are fours.
Dylan: if I try & fit into these I won’t be able to breath.
Claire: why don’t you switch the tags? Then, your mom thinks you’re buying a four when you’re really buying the six. Then you’re moms happy and you can exhale.
Dylan: You’re brilliant. I’m Dylan.
Claire: Claire.
Alicia & Kristen: We walked in on some dude trying on women’s clothes.
Dylan: No.
Kristen: come on.
Dylan: oh, nice meeting you Claire and thanks.
Claire’s mom: since excellence is expected.
Claire: [SQUEALS] thank you (8x)
Todd: good girls go to Orlando, bad girls go to Miami. Where do ugly girls like you go.
Claire’s mom: Claire, Mrs. Block said you can go to school with Massie.
Claire: oh.
Claire’s mom: you should meet the driver in front of the house at 7:30.
Claire: Their driver is gonna take me to school?
Isaac: You must be Claire.
Claire: Hi, Isaac! Thanks. Wow!
Massie: God, Claire, you scared me. You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that.
Claire: Sorry.
Massie: Oh, It’s fine. Do you mind sitting at the back? We have to pick up a few more.
Claire: oh, Sure.
Massie: Relax Claire. This isn’t Epcot.
Dylan: I swear, celebs are getting more DUIs than Ksubi jeans.
Massie: Hm. Moshino Dress, Alice and Olivia Jacket, Michael Kors Handbag. Adorable. 8.5
Dylan: Thank you. Wait.
Claire: Dylan?
Dylan Claire, right?
Massie: You two know each other?
Dylan: from the mall. Claire’s the one that had a great idea about the pants. When my mom was being a jerk to the tenth degree.
Claire: And then Dylan’s Friends came out and started screaming about some guy.
Massie: Yeah, and those are my friends, too. And FYI, that story’s more last week than white skinny jeans. Claire’s the girl I told you about. The one living in my guest house. Because her parents can’t afford anything else right now.
Claire: Gummi Feet?
Dylan: thanks, but I don’t Eat sugar.
Massie: and I don’t eat feet.
Alicia: Hey.
Dylan: What’s up chica?
Massie: Hey, girl. Vintage Ralph Lauren, 9.
Alicia: Well, you’re a 10. You look, A-mazing.
Massie: Just wait till tomorrow.
Alicia: Why?
Massie, Dylan and Alicia: Because you get better looking everyday. hahaha
Kristen: Hey, Guys.
Massie: Somebody call the fashion police. I’m making a citizen arrest.
Claire: Finally.
Massie: Seriously, Kris, when is your mom gonna let you wear what you want.
Kristen: My question first. One, why does it smell like first class airline food?
Dylan: I started circle diet today. Sorry.
Kristen: and two, who’s the stowaway?
Alicia: Huh. Ehmagawd. Has she been there the whole time?
Massie: That’s Claire.
Kristen: [whispers] do we like her?
Massie: no
Claire: um… Isaac?
Isaac: Claire!, sorry.
Claire: Thanks.
Shelby Rexler: Hey Mass! We missed you guys Saturday night. The party was completely unbloggable without you.
Massie: I know.
Dylan: we heard you had some unexpected visitors.
Kristen: Oh , my god. Jenna Dressler’s wearing her Chihuahua shirt again.
Jenna: hey,you guys. How’s your winter break? Massie, I heard you have a new NBF from Florida
Massie: False. If I had a new best friend, she’d be here right now. Uhh. She’s so off my top 8.
Alicia: She was in your top 8?
Dylan: Ow!
Massie: Juicy Couture sweat suit. No punch back. Wait, I lost an earing. Nobody move. I need to retrace. Fade Out People.
Girl: Hey, look out.
Chris: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. Are you okay? I’m so sorry. I was rushing. My sister, she forgot her thermos so I had to run all the way back here. And I didn’t even…. Are you sure you’re okay?
Claire: I’m sure.
Chris Abeley: I’m Chris Abeley.
Claire: I’m Claire Something.
Chris Abeley: Nice to meet you Claire Something.
Massie: Ugh!
Dylan: What are you doing?
Alicia: uhh. Anger Management much?
Massie: Hello! I can’t wear one earring. I’ll look like Johnny Depp.
Kristen: But wasn’t that a diamond?
Massie: Ugh!
Claire: Hey, Uh…. Do you guys know where room 41 is?
Massie: Yeah, um, turn around and go out these double doors. Take a cab to JFK… and get on the next flight to wherever to how you came from. Latte, anyone?
Claire: I don’t get it. What’s going on?
Massie: Claire, did I invite you to my BBQ?
Claire: Um. No.
Massie: then why are you all up in my grill?
Leesh, Kris, Dyl: Haha
Claire: I don’t get it. Why are you being like this?
Massie: hmm… like what Claire? What am I being like?
Claire: Like… I don’t know…. A bitch?
Massie: What did you just call me?
Claire: Nothing. I mean nothing.
Dylan: I can’t believe she just said that.
Alicia: She called you a bitch to your face.
Kristen: Mass, what are you gonna do to her?
Massie: I don’t know. All I know is that Claire Lyons should consider herself done, done and you know what else?
Alicia, Dylan and Kristen: DONE!
Vincent: Do you need a personal invitation to come in? Give me your e- mail I’ll send you an e- vite.
Claire: Sorry I’m late. I got A little lost.
Vincent: and you are?
Claire: I’m Claire. I’m new.
Vincent: I’m Vincent. I’m old. But you know what they say 32 is the new 22. My likes include broadway musicals, pinya coladas and taking long walks in the rain. And my dislikes are--- Now, what are they again? Oh yeah , Tardiness. There’s a seat by the window. And Miss Rivera this isn’t the changing Room at Saks. Make room. Claire, I’ve seen paint dry faster. Chop, chop. Chop square, please. Okay you have your materials in front of you. You have 15 mins. To paint this as still life.
Alicia: I think I’m gonna use some of that, too. Oh, I’m sorry.
Vincent: Is there a problem ladies?
Claire and Alicia: No.
Alicia: [texting to kristen] “Claire got her”
[girls laughing]
Claire: Do you think I could start over? I’m not good at this yet.
Vincent: Commit to your work miss Lyons. This is a lesson for life. Once you start something you need to stick with it. Oh my god, miss Lyons. Here’s a pass to the nurse. And take your books with you.
Claire: I feel fine.
Vincent: Just go.
Spanish Class: uno, dos, tres, quatro, sinko, sais, siete, ocho, nuebe…
Spanish teacher: In espanol, borfavor.
Dylan: borfavor, uh… mia permisiono al bathimo? Hey, Claire. You look a little lost.
Claire: I’m supposed to go to the nurse’s office.
Dylan: easy, just follow this hall all the way down, past the main office and the gym. Take a right at the band room. It’s the 1st door on the right after that. Be sure to be loud when you go in. Nurse Adele’s a little hard of hearing.
Claire: Thanks Dylan. I really appreciate it.
Dylan: my pleasure. [txting to massie] “ur in for a laff”
Massie’s Teacher: Breathe into your power house. In… and out…
Claire: Nurse Adele.
Massie’s Teacher: Nurse Adele’s office is in the other side of the school by the art wing.
Claire: But I was just there.
Massie’s teacher: [speaking in Sanskrit]
[LAUGHS]
Massie’s teacher: Ladies. Re- Center.
Nurse Adele: Can I help you with something dear?
Claire: um. I don’t know. I’m not really sure why I’m here. Vincent told me to come.
Nurse Adele: Oh. Don’t worry, Got your period.
Claire: No I didn’t. What?
Nurse Adele: Look at the back of your jeans
.
Claire: How is this possible? I, I don’t—
Nurse Adele: Be right back.
Claire: Alicia, red paint.
Nurse Adele: Don’t worry dear. This is also the lost and found. Go through and pick out something you like.
Claire: Really?
Nurse Adele: Really. Whatever you want. These girls have nothing to do with last season’s clothes. Trust me.
Shelby Rexler: Hey, cool top. I had the same one but I lost it.
Massie: Looks like somebody went shopping at Nursestrom’s today. Seven’s, so 3 years ago. Loser, Loser…
Pretty Committee: Double loser, whatever, as if, get the picture, duh.
Alicia: Ow! What the --- ?
Massie: Juicy hoodie, no punch backs. Now, lean in. I’ve got major gossip.
Dylan: how many points does it worth?
Massie: None It’s about me.
Alicia: Why didn’t you tell us in the car?
Massie:[pointing to Claire] There’s a reason I was MIA yesterday.
Dylan: MIA?
Massie: Missing an Armani? I was Being asked out on a date.
Alicia: By a boy?
Massie: As opposed to who? Yes a boy. A Briarwood boy.
Dylan: No.
Massie: Yes, he’s a freshman in high school.
Alicia: Shut Up.
Massie: His name is Chris Abeley. We have to do a major recon after school today.
Kristen: Oh, I don’t know. I have a ton of homework.
Massie: You, seriously cannot be stressed out about school already. It’s only the first day after winter break.
Kristen: Well, I have to come up with the Woman in the Workforce project. I have to have a business plan and a budget. It’s worth like 60% of my grade.
Dylan: Does anyone wanna trade for something edible?
Alicia: Ask her.
Dylan: You guys I feel bad. Maybe we could pull- up a chair?
TPC: [LAUGHING]
Massie: That was C-lairious.
Massie: Okay, so, I called Isaac to meet us here at Briarwood at 4:30 So we have to hurry.
Alicia: Tell that to Chris Abeley. By the way, micro-mini? So not good for spying.
Massie: Quiet. Hey, what happened to the diet?
Dylan: I’m starving. It’s either this or my left arm.
Kristen: It’s 4:15
Massie: Chris Abeley’s gonna be here, don’t worry.
Dylan: Who’s worried?
Alicia: Hear about the New York City Field Trip to the Museum of Modern art? Vincent’s taking the whole seventh grade.
Massie: Oh my God. It’s Chris Abeley.
TPC: Huuuuuuhhhhh.
Massie: There’s Chris Abeley.
Chris’ Friend: I want to, but I don’t know.
Dylan: Eh---
Alicia: Ma---
Kristen: Gawd.
Massie: Look at him, look at him, look at him.
Dylan: he’s coming this way, Chris Abeley’s coming this way.
Alicia: Get down.
Chris’ friend: I got at least 3-4 hours of homework tonight.
Chris Abeley: Really? You do?
Chris’ Friend: Yeah, it’s not even funny.
TPC: [Giggles]
Judi: Hey, How’s your first day?
Claire: Good.
Judi: Hey, whose clothes are those?
Claire: Oh. Massie’s. You know Massie. She keeps like 3 backup clothes in her locker. She wanted me to be dressed more like her.
Judi: Oh. Well, maybe we should return your new jeans, then, huh?
Claire: You can’t. I spilled paint all over it in art class. I’m sorry, mom, I know you’ve spent a lot.
Judi: Oh, no, come on, honey, that’s okay. I mean, it’s just pants, it’s no big deal. I’m just glad that you and Massie are hitting off.
Massie: I hate her. C-laire. She sits there like this perfect, wide-eyed, innocent goody two-shoes. Meanwhile she’s trying to be BFF’s with Dylan and she’s throwing herself to Chris Abeley Behind my back. You can’t just drive into someone else’s town and live in someone else’s house, and try to take over someone else’s friends, right? [Massie types the State of The Union]
State of the Union
IN OUT
First day after hiding in
Winter break bushes
Red cherries diamond earrings
ChrisAbeley CLAIRE!
[After typing what’s IN Massie is gonna say this]: I mean what’s next? She’s gonna change her last name to Block and move into my bedroom? [After typing what’s IN, while she is typing what’s OUT she is gonna sat this]: I may live on 4.6 acres of property [after righting diamond earrings in what’s OUT, she’s gonna say this and after that she’ll type CLAIRE!]: but there is no way that it’s big enough for me and…[typing CLAIRE!]
Massie: I can’t believe that your lips are still red from those cherries
Dylan: I know. Aren’t they luscious?
Alicia: Watev. I just wish my lip gloss lasted that long.
Massie: Actually, if you could sell that, you would make a fortune. Lipstick that lasted 24 hours. You can even wake up pretty.
Kristen: Oh my, God, Massie! That’s what I can do for my project. A makeup company. You guys could help me.
Alicia: Huuuh….YEY!
Massie: OH my God! I’m so smart.
Claire: That really is a good Idea.
Massie: conversation between the taco and burrito, nacho. Anyways, we could make everything ourselves, all natural.
Dylan: And edible. When you get bored of the color, you can eat it.
Alicia: I heart that.
Massie: and we could sell that to the field trip to New York on Saturday. The whole class would be there.
Kristen: You guys, we need a great name.
Dylan: What about homeworks? Because, we make it at home, and it works.
Massie: Homeworks? That makes us sound like losers who don’t have any friends and never go out like, [point to Claire].
TPC: [giggles]
Claire: How about Glambition?
Massie: it’ll do, until I think of something better.
Kristen: oh my, God, we’re gonna be so rich.
Massie: oh pls. we already are.
Isaac: FYI Claire, there are more girls than those girls in this school. Go find ‘em.
Claire: Excuse me is this seat taken? Is that real?
Layne Abeley: I got this at CVS for a buck 20.
Claire: oh, well, you never know. For all I know, those Piccasos on the wall could be real.
Layne: They are. I’m Layne. Claire, right? Yeah, you’re new around here. Word travels fast. Oh, oatmeal?
Claire: no, thanks. I’m trying to cut back.
Layne: uh. One day here and you look like a pure Massie-chist. You guys friends?
Claire: Um… Yeah, we kind of are.
Layne: I didn’t realize that the Pretty Committee was taking new applications for new members.
Claire: hey, cool bag.
Layne: It’s a stereo, fifty bucks, Spencer gifts.
[rock music plays on stereo]
Alicia: oh my , God. That’s so gross.
Massie: What is she doing?
[music stops]
Layne: are you sure it’s okay for you to be sitting here? Massie looks pissed.
Claire: she’s fine, I told her, you know… I can’t hang out with only her all the time.
Layne: yeah, she seems really jealous.
Claire: I’ll text her later. This Is kinda random. But do you have plans for Friday night?
Layne: none. Hey, maybe we could watch a movie or listen to my bag or something.
Claire: That’ll be great.
Mrs. Block: Hi there everybody!
Judi: Oh, Hi!
Mrs. Block: So, Claire, you’re coming to the sleepover, Friday night, right?
Claire: I’m sorry?
Mrs. Block: Massie’s having all the usual suspects, Dylan, Alicia, Kristen.
Claire: She wants me to come?
Mrs. Block: Of course.
Todd: sorry, Todd. NO boys.
Claire: Wow, I love to come.
Mrs. Block: Great! Seven o’clock.
Judi: Sounds great!
Todd: maybe I’ll invite my friends over, too.
Claire: You have friends?
Todd: Don’t you?
Claire: I’m sorry Layne. My parents have to go out Friday night, so I have to babysit my little brother. Maybe, we can hang out another time? Great. Bye.
Kristen: Aww..!!
Dylan: Yeah? I like it. Isn’t it awesome?
Kristen: not. No. Seriously, this is like 60’s slash medieval.
Massie: That’s really cute.
Kristen: Seriously? Check it out.
Dylan: For sure.
Alicia and Massie: Ew…
Massie: Get rid of it. It’s nasty. Oh, God, NO.
Kristen: Oh Yes.
Alicia: Yeah, I…
Massie: Well, you know… What are you doing here?
Claire: I’m here for the sleepover.
Mrs. Block: Hey, Claire… Okay girls, break’s over. Any clothes that you’re donating need to go in these boxes for the auction.
Claire: What auction?
Mrs. Block: We host the OCD auction to raise money for scholarships.
Massie: I know one local charity that could use a donation.
Mrs. Block: Massie, kitchen, now.
Alicia: Hey, let’s go down to the cabana.
Dylan: yeah.
Massie: Mom, how could you do this to me?
Mrs. Block: I told you, If you didn’t invite Claire, I would.
Massie: I didn’t think you actually meant it.
Mrs. Block: Just try to be nice.
Massie: I did, but, mom, you should see how she treats me at school. She’s not this nice, sweet, innocent girl everyone makes her out to be.
Mrs. Block: Massie , I know you, and there are always 2 sides of your story.
Massie: Well, it’d be nice if you took my side for a change.
Mrs. Block: You need to take Bean for a walk.
Massie: um… I’m going down to the cabana. That’s where we sleep. Come if you want, or not.
Claire: Okay.
Alicia: Would you rather be A, a friendless loser or B, a person with tons of friends who secretly hate you?
Dylan: Oh, easy B.
Kristen: Definitely B.
Massie: B all the way.
Alicia: Claire, What do you think? : Would you rather be a friendless loser or a person with tons of friends who secretly hate you?
Claire: Um… I guess, I’d rather be the friendless loser.
Alicia: Congrats, you got your wish.
Dylan: Harsh.
Alicia: I was kidding.
Dylan: Ever play truth or dare?
TPC: Ooohhhh…
Massie: are you just gonna stand there all night?
Alicia: Okay, someone ask me first.
Massie: My house, me first.
Alicia: Hmm… Truth or dare?
Massie: Truth!
Alicia: Okay, Have you ever kissed a boy?
Kristen: NO, you Guys, that’s stupid. We already know the answer.
Massie: no, but ask me after the auction, and the answer will be a definite yes. Okay, Claire, Truth or Dare?
Claire: Hmm… Dare.
Massie: Who do you like?
Claire: Umm… I like a lot of people, I like my parents, my friends- - -
Massie: Not just like. “Like, Like”, Like more than a friend like.
Claire: I don’t know.
Massie: if you had to pick, Someone here in Westchester.
Claire: Well, I guess I don’t really know anyone. Okay, there was this skateboard guy, Chris. He’s got shaggy, blond, hair, deep blue eyes, scar above---
Dylan: You mean Chris Abeley? That was the guy that Massie was talking about kissing.
Claire: Wait, is he your boyfriend?
Alicia: Wow, Claire. Are you accelerated in math? You’re good at putting 2 and 2 together.
Kristen: Guys, stop talking about school, it’s really stressing me out. Can we just, go to bed?
Alicia: [Making farting noise with hands] Oh, My , God, Claire, was that you? How embarrassing.
Claire: Funny, Leesh, I thought that was your boobs rubbing together.
Dylan: Snap.
Alicia: Let’s just go to sleep.
Massie: Claire, wait. You don’t have to go.
Claire: Have to? I want to.
Massie: Fine, whatever.
Kristen: should we make our lip gloss with lavender oil or peanut oil? Or this recipe is both?
Dylan: Not Peanut. Massie’s allergic.
Massie: Pl-ease. Nothing touches these lips but MAC and---
Alicia: Chris Abeley.
Massie: Exactly.
Alicia: No, I meant Chris Abeley, he’s here.
Massie: Huh. What?
Layne: Hey, Claire.
Claire: Hey. Glad you could make it.
Layne: Oh, Claire, meet my brother.
Claire: Chris! We’ve met.
Chris Abeley: We had a little run-in on the first day of school.
Claire: Well, if you’re looking for your girlfriend, she’s up there.
Chris Abeley: My girlfriend lives across town.
Claire: but I thought your girlfriend was---
Layne: Fawn. Yeah, she’s perfect, she’s beautiful, and they’ve been together since the 7th grade. It’s sickening.
Chris & Layne Abeley’s dad: Chris, if you wanna go riding, we gotta go.
Claire: Oh, Chris, wait. It’s just something in your hair.
TPC: [Gasping]
Claire: There. Got it.
Massie: Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Massie: Hey.
Chris Abeley: Hey.
Massie: So how could you come into my house, and not bother to say hi?
Chris Abeley: Sorry. My dad he was in a hurry.
Massie: How could you have not told me that Layne’s your sister? I love Layne.
Chris Abeley: Really? Since When?
Massie: Since always. We should invite Layne riding sometime.
Chris Abeley: Yeah, Layne doesn’t really ride.
Massie: I could teach her. I’m a great teacher. Patient and compassionate and---
Chris Abeley: and the modest.
Massie: Yeah, that too. We should all hang out sometime.
Chris Abeley: What are you doing with my hat?
Massie: I’m gonna donate it at the auction on Saturday.
Chris Abeley: You Better Not.
Massie: You’ll just have to come.
Chris Abeley: Actually, the day of the auction is my birthday.
Massie: Oh, what better place to celebrate? Layne, you’re the person I wanted to see.
Layne: I am?
Massie: Mm-hm. I have so much to tell you.
Claire: Layne! Layne! I tried to MySpace you last night, but it didn’t go through.
Layne: The thing is, I don’t really have time for friend requests right now, because, I’m really busy, baby-sitting my brother.
Claire: Haha, but your brother’s 15.
Massie: Layne! Laayne… are we still on for manis and pedis after school?
Layne: For suresies.
Claire: whoa. Wait a sec. You and Massie? Since when do you want to be friends with her?
Layne: Everyone wants to be friends with Massie. Isn’t that why you lied to me and ditched me for hr sleepover? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Hey, Mass! Wait up! Hey! Massie! Wait up.
Massie: Layne, enough with the all caps. Stop yelling. I told you not to talk to me at school.
Layne: But I thought we were friends now.
Massie: We are. Secret friends, Top Secret.
Layne: Okay…
Kristen: HI! Why were you talking to Layne Abeley?
Massie: I was yelling at her, for getting oatmeal on my Fendi. Enough about Layne.
Kristen: I’m calling an emergency Glambition meeting after school. The field trip is in 6 days, and we haven’t even made our lip gloss yet.
Massie: I actually got somewhere to go after school.
Kristen: Does it involve, someone named Chris Babeley?
Massie: Uhh… You Can say that. Listen, tell you what. Meet at my house at 5 and tell the girls. What I have to do shouldn’t take too long.
Kristen: Okay.
Massie: Bye. All right.
Kristen: Bye.
Massie: Laayne!!!!!!!!! Layne, come on your waters getting cold. Sorry, This is her 1st time. Do you have any US Weekly’s around here?
Layne: Okay…
Massie: Um… FYI, you’re only supposed to pick one.
Layne: I think it’d be cool to have a different color on each finger and toe, don’t you? Ah!!! Okay, hot! It’s hot.
Massie: You’ll get used to it. Just stick your feet in and relax… quietly.
Layne: Okay. All right. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Massie: So, tell me about Chris. Are you 2 close?
Layne: Yeah, we’re like besties. We tell each other everything.
Massie: So, has he mention me?
Layne: uh, no. [giggles] That tickles. [Laughs]
Kristen: Um… We’re having a private meeting.
Dylan: If Mass ever shows.
Alicia: Claire, are you a bird?
Claire: No.
Alicia: Then, why is your suit so cheap?
Kristen, Alicia, Dylan: Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap…
Claire: Actually, Leesh, it’s an original Astrid, from Brazil. I’m surprised you couldn’t tell.
Alicia: I have heard of Astrid.
Dylan: I read an article about her in Teen Vogue.
Claire: You mean him?
Kristen: Seriously, what is taking Massie so long? This project is worth like a bazzilion percent of my grade. If I fail, I’m stealing her tweezers for a month.
Claire: Well, would it kill you to have a little fun while you waited?
Alicia: With you? Probably.
Claire: [Screams]
Dylan: That was sweet.
Claire: You, guys should really come in.
Kristen: Why not? It’s not like we’re doing anything.
………………………..
Massie: What’s going on? I thought we were having a meeting?
Kristen: Well, we were, but you were an hour late.
Massie: I wasn’t late, I was lost. Thank God Chris Abeley was a boy scout. Or I swear I would never made it out of the woods. I seriously could’ve died out there.
Alicia: Thank God you’re safe.
Dylan: What if something happened to you?
Kristen: We would’ve never finished our project.
Massie: Nice suit C-laire.
Dylan: It’s an original Astrid.
Massie: Unless Astrid means, bargain-basment, chain-store, low-rent, knockoff. I don’t think so.
Judy: Hey. What’s up?
Claire: Hey.
Judy: What’s wrong? Claire, Claire. What’s wrong? What happened?
Claire: Nothing.
Judy: Did something happen at the pool? .... Was it Massie? ….. What did she do?
Claire: I told you, nothing.
Judy: If it’s nothing, then why are you so upset? … Either you tell me what’s going on here or I’m gonna find out for myself.
Claire: Mom, no, please. You can’t do that. It was just a stupid understanding. It was nothing. I’ll talk to Massie about it. It’ll cool, really.
Judy: Why don’t you go talk about it right now?
Claire: After dinner, once my homework is done.
Judy: Fine, after dinner. Either you talk to Massie or I’m gonna talk to her mom. Okay?
Claire: Hi, Mrs. Block! Is Massie home?
Mrs. Block: No, honey, she’s not. Can I help you?
Claire: I just need to talk to her about… Pre-Algebra.
Mrs. Block: She just took Bean for a walk. You’re welcome to wait for her.
Claire: Okay.
(Claire was in Massie’s room. She saw Massie’s computer. She chatted with HOLAGURRL a.k.a. Alicia Rivera as Massie.)
Alicia: How hilars was @ the pool 2day? Chain-store, ew.
Claire: leesh!
Alicia: ? r u up 2?
Claire: Off 2 hang at claire’s.
Alicia: ? x 10?
Claire: luv her now. so fun.
Alicia: oooohkaaay.
Claire: btw, got the Qtest outfit for 2morrow. Denim over tights.
Alicia: WHAT?
Claire: Don’t yell. :) I saw it in T-Vogue. Tell k&d g2g2 C’s.
(In the car)
Massie: I didn’t realize Peter Pan was holding auditions today. I Hope you get the part!
Massie: Ew. What are you wearing?
Alicia: What are you wearing? I thought we were going all Teen Vogue-ish today. Hey, Claire.
Claire: Hey, Leesh.
Massie: Come on, Bean.
Bean: (2x Bark)
(Claire was in Massie’s room. She used Massie’s computer. She chatted with BIGREDHEAD a.k.a. Dylan Marvil as Massie.)
Claire: ? up?
Dylan: bio :(
Claire: (typing on the computer)
(this part is not on the computer.)
Todd: Hey.
Claire: Huh! Todd.
Todd: Don’t mind me.
Claire: What are you doing?
Todd: What are you doing? (Opened Massie’s diary)
Dylan: Wat r u wearing 2 the auction? i’m thinking suede mini, barney’s catalog, pg 23
Claire: do u really think ur legs would look good in a mini?
Dylan: WHAT?
Claire: just asking.
(BigRedHead Signed off.)
Massie: Even Mary-Kate knew when her boho look had run its course.
Dylan: Laundry day.
Massie: Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Where are you, Bean?
Claire: Shhh… No Barking and no pooping. I’ll be back soon.
(Claire was in Massie’s room. She used Massie’s computer. She chatted with SexySportsBabe a.k.a. Kristen Gregory as Massie.)
Claire: hey, Kris.
Kristen: hey, Mass.
Claire: can u believe Dylan 2day? Fashion disaster!!!
Kristen: SNAP!
Todd: Man, I can’t believe this.
Claire: gimme a sec…
Claire: Todd, stop doing that.
Todd: She’s got like a gazillion pictures. But don’t you think she’d got one without her annoying friends?
Claire: Don’t worry. If this works out, Massie will be without her annoying friends soon enough. And put the pictures back.
Todd: “an put the pictures back”.
Claire: u still there?
Kristen: Always.
Claire: doin homework?
Kristen: glambition. g2get an A Mass.
Claire: Wut if u don’t.
Kristen: u don’t wanna know.
Claire: Parents?
Kristen: Everything.
Claire: ??????
Kristen: 4get it.
Claire: No. Tell me. Secret 4 a secret?
Kristen: No.
Claire: Come on. I have something that I haven’t told anyone.
Kristen: Okay, u first.
Claire: Okay. U know how I’ve been hanging out with Chris Abeley? Well, I’ve been hanging with Layne too.
Kristen: Oh My God.
Claire: And I actually like her.
Kristen: Oh My God x 2!
Claire: Okay. You’re turn.
Kristen: Okay. But you can’t tell. You know how I’m always worried about my grades? It’s not because I have strict parents. It’s because I have poor parents. I’m on a scholarship at OCD.
Claire: Oh My God x 3! But you live in a Montador building.
Kristen: No. We live in apartment building next door. You better not tell. Not Even for gossip points.
Massie: bean!
Kristen: Massie, Promise.
Massie: Bean, are you in here?
Todd: It’s Massie. She’s back, she’s coming.
Claire: Go, go under the bed. Go.
Massie: Bean.
(Massie got into her room. She chatted with Kristen)
Kristen: Seriously, you can’t tell the other girls.
Massie: What r u talking about?
Kristen: What I just told you.
Massie: Huh?
Kristen: Nice, 4get it Mass.
Massie: (Groans)
Claire: We have to do something. We can’t stay under here all night. You have to go out there.
Todd: No way.
Claire: You can play the “the creepy little brother crushing on the hot neighbor” angle. Todd, I’m serious. Help!
Todd: If I do this, you owe me bigtime.
Massie: Oh My God! What are you doing in here?
Todd: Wait, this isn’t the guest house?
Massie: Oh My God! Mom. Mom. What is going on?
Claire: Huh. Thank God.
Todd: Thank me.
Alicia: What’s that?
Massie: A letter to the West Law neighborhood security. I’m thinking of filing a restraining order against that prepubescent monkey boy living in my guest house.
Alicia: Why don’t you talk to your new BFF about it? After all, the monkey freaks her brother.
Massie: Claire’s not my BFF. Kristen’s the one who asked her to sign up for squash with us.
Kristen: She gave me her extra racket so I don’t have to buy one. What was I supposed to do? Ignore her?
Massie: Uh… Yeah… That’s what we always do. And since when can’t you afford your own racket?
Kristen: Nice, Mass, that’s real nice. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Massie: What?
Dylan: Remind me not to go on the scale anymore.
Massie: Uh… Dyl… If you’re gonna weigh yourself, take off that tent you call a skirt. It must weigh like 15 pounds.
Dylan: which is nothing compared to my thunder thighs right?
Massie: What is everyone’s problem? Who are you people and what have you done to my friends?
Alicia: By friends, do you mean us or Layne?
Massie: I’m not friends with Lame Abeley.
Claire: Hey guys, What’s going on?
Alicia: Well, what is going on is there is a spot in our foursome just opened up. Wanna join us Claire?
Claire: But I thought you already had 4?
Dylan: Not anymore.
Massie: Whoa, you…. Wait a sec. You guys are choosing C-laire over me?
Alicia: Well?
Claire: I’m in.
Layne: Hey, Mass. There is an empty seat here if you wanna sit with us, you know?
Massie: Um… No that’s okay. Have you seen Jenna or Tricia?
Layne: I said that you could sit with--------
Massie: The only place where I wanna sit is with my friends. I wouldn’t be caught dead sitting with you. I don’t even like you.
Layne: God, you really are bitch.
Massie: Sorry, no comprende I don’t speak loser.
Layne: No hablas bitch.
Jenna: Mass, there’s a free seat right here.
Girls: [Laughing]
Isaac: Where is everyone?
Massie: They’re in detention. Let’s just go.
Isaac: Oh wait. There they are.
[Girls walking by…. Chattering.]
Massie: Can we just go?
Alicia: Okay… We need a dressing room.
Claire: But I thought you said you already have a totally slutty dress to wear to the auction.
Alicia: I do. These are for you.
Claire: I can’t. I spent all my allowance on that Chloe handbag. The one Lindsay Lohan was carrying in that accident.
Alicia: So, I’ll pay.
Claire: You’d buy me a dress?
Alicia: Actually, one of my 3 best friends will.
Claire: Dylan, Kristen or Massie?
Alicia: No, triVisa, MasterCard or Amex. Oh. And this is for you.
Claire: Your cell?
Alicia: I upgraded. iPhone.
Claire: I can’t take your cellphone.
Alicia: Why? I’m not using it. And I’ve erased all my info’s, you can totally make it yours. Besides, we can’t hang with you, if we can’t reach you.
Dylan: Hey, When we’re done, let’s go back to my house.
Claire: I don’t know. I have to be home by 5.
Dylan: Make it 7. Trust me. It’ll be worth it.
(Claire, Alicia, Kristen and Dylan are in Dylan’s house. Hanging out.)
On the phone:
Claire: Thanks, Leesh. Today was seriously, like, the greatest day ever.
Judi: Where have you been? We have been worried sick. I called Layne, Massie. I sent your father out to look for you.
Claire: You called Massie? What did she say?
Judi: She said you were probably out with Dylan, Alicia and Kristen. Claire!
Claire: What??? We were shopping. Big deal.
Judi: It’s a big deal when you are over 2 hours late!
Claire: I needed a dress for the auction.
Judi: What? From BCBG? We Can’t afford that.
Claire: It’s fine, Mom. Alicia paid.
Judi: No, Claire, It’s not fine.
Claire: Then, What is?!?!?! For me to wear overalls or some lame bathing suit? We’re not in Florida anymore, Mom. The Gap doesn’t cut it here.
Judi: Neither does your attitude.
Claire: Well, sue me for trying to fit in.
Judi: You’re not hanging with those girls anymore.
Claire: Mom, you can’t do that.
Judi: Oh, yes I can. And if you continue with this attitude you will not be needing a dress to go to that auction, because you will not be going.
Claire: Groans.
Massie: IMing.
Massie to Leesh: Leesh, u there?
Massie to Dylan: Dyl?
Massie to Kristen: Kris. Ok I know that u don’t want 2 talk to me, but the Glambition tubes were sent to my house. I know you want an A so…
Massie: “Yes…”
Massie: So It’s all in there. There’s also 4 different flavors. Alicia, Kristen, Dylan and Massie. But you can get rid of the Massie if you want.
Kristen: are you seriously trying to make me feel bad for you or something?
Massie: You should feel bad. You guys ditched me for no reason, and worse, for Claire. That’s like turning down, I don’t know, Justin Timberlake for K-Fed. It’s just wrong.
Kristen: You’re the one who decided to be buddy-buddy with her.
Massie: Since when?
Kristen: Since you guys started hanging out and watching her DVDs together.
Massie: the only thing I have watched with Claire are her chronic bad hair days.
Kristen: you told Alicia after you called Dylan fat.
Massie: I never called Dylan fat.
Kristen: Yes you did. 2 nights ago.
Massie: No, I didn’t, well, at least not to her face.
Kristen: Look I’ll prove it. See? She called me right after, 1o:o1.
Massie: 2 nights ago at 10:01 I was out looking for Bean. That’s why I missed the beginning of The Hills.
Kristen: but that does not mean any sense. Dylan said, you IM’d her.
Massie: Well I didn’t .
Kristen: Right… Just Like you don’t remember what I told you.
Massie: What you told me when?
Kristen: the night after, when we were IMing.
Massie: When You were mad at me for no reason? Which by the way was so selfish. Considering I waited an hour for Chris Abeley showed.
Kristen: Wait. When were you waiting for Chris Abeley?
Massie: Like, until 10:00!
Kristen: we were IMing before that.
Massie: NO I wasn’t! but Maybe someone else was.
Judi: Claire! It’s for you…
The Pretty Committee and Claire were at the telephone.
Kristen: Hey C-laire. It’s K-ris.
Claire: Hey. Hold on a sec. “todd, hang up the phone. I can hear you breathing.
Dylan: actually, It’s not todd. It’s me.
Claire: Dylan?
Alicia: and me.
Claire: Oh hey Leesh. Wow, I’ve never been on a 4 way before. Fun!
Massie: Actually it’s a 5-way. Fun’s over. We know what you did Claire. Hijacking my IM so not cool. So here’s a little message for you.
“ur not only done
U r well done”
(GIRLS LAUGHING AND CHATTERING)
Massie: Leesh. My mom will freak if she sees your feet on the counter. Okay here.
Kristen: I’m excited. They’re so cute.
Alicia: Oh my God.
Massie: Okay, ready? One, two, three go.
Alicia: Okay. Oh my God.
Kristen: What is this?
Dylan: Oh my God.
Kristen: Adorable.
Massie: I figured they’re so much cuter than lab coats.
Kristen: Agreed.
Dylan: Oh, look, it says Glambition on the back.
Alica: I heart this.
Dylan: It says our names. Awesome.
Massie: Okay, girls. Where’s the bottles, the recipes?
Kristen: Okay. Recipe number one. Two tablespoons of honey, three to four drops of peanut oil, four ounces of vanilla.
Massie: Okay, I need an honest opinion.
Dylan: No your butt doesn’t look big.
Massie: Please, I know. The day of the auction is Chris Abeley’s birthday. As his practically girlfriend, I need to do something really memorable. I am now opening the floor to suggestions.
Dylan: Oh, I know. You should bake him a cake.
Kristen: What?
Dylan: My mom always says the best way to a boy’s heart is through his stomach.
Alicia: No, no. How about you be in a cake….
Kristen and Alicia: ….and jump out?
Kristen: Yeah, that’s great.
Alicia: Yeah.
Massie: Please, that’s ridiculous.
Dylan: More than ridiculous, ridunkulous.
Kristen: Yeah, but it would be kind of cool to wear a cute little outfit or something. You know, when you jump out.
Massie: You know what? I’m gonna do that and something better. God, I’m a genius
Alicia: Do you have a problem, Stare?
Claire: No. My mom wanted to borrow an egg.
Massie: An egg? Sure. Here you go. Catch. I am so back. (WINK)
Judi: Hey, what’s happened? Claire, wait a minute. Claire what’s wrong?
Claire: Leave me alone.
Judi: No Claire. I let it go last time. Tell me what’s wrong.
Claire: (CRYING) Everything. This school, this house, my clothes, Massie, everything. She hates me mom, she hates me. She’s been making my life miserable since the day we came. At first, you know, I just wanted her to like me. But then, I was just hoping that she’d stop picking on me. I tried everything. And I did some things that I shouldn’t have done. I thought it was the only way. I thought it was the only way to…
Judi: To what? Oh Claire, listen to me. You can’t make someone like you. You’re not in charge of other people’s feelings, or they’re actions, only yours. Maybe some of your actions weren’t great either. You wanna tell me what you did?
Claire: I can’t. You wouldn’t understand.
Judi: Right, cause I was never 12. Oh, honey. Whatever you did, you have to make it right. But whatever it is, I guarantee you, it’s not as bad as you think.
Claire: It’s worse.
Judi: be yourself, Claire, not who people want you to be.
Claire: Can I sit here? Listen, Layne, I’m sorry for everything. For ditching you for the sleepover. For pretending to be friends with Massie. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just I wanted to be part of them. A part of that group. And the more they excluded me, the more important it became. The way people treat them, the way that they can have anything they want whenever they want, well, I guess I wanted that too. I have no idea what makes them special. They just are.
Layne: It’s just because they just believe that they are. So other people do too. Even me sometimes.
Massie: Can I please have your attention? Ex-ca-use me? Thank you. Now, who’s ready for a revolutionary line of cosmetics? Something that tastes, as good as it looks. I present to you Glambition. And now, our esteemed ridiculously hot president, Kristen Gregory.
Kristen: Glambition is a new line of beauty products made entirely of all-natural ingredients. Over the next few weeks, we will introduce to you our entire line of body scrubs, creams, glitters, and check tints. Today, for the very low price of one for $6 and two for $10 dollars we are launching our flavored lip gloss which comes in four flavors: mint, cherry, vanilla and raspberry. Also known as Dylan, Alicia, Kristen and Massie.
Massie: And you better hurry, we expect the Massies to sell out real fast. Oh, sorry Layne, we don’t sell oatmeal flavor.
Layne: hahahaha, I’d wish she’d swallow her tongue.
Girl 1: It stings.
Girl 2: Oh my God.
(CHATTERING)
Girl 3: My lips are burning!
Jenna: Mine too! My lips are on fire!
Claire: It looks like Jenna’s lips got a boob job.
Massie: This is not funny!
Layne and Claire: Yes it is.
Vincent: What’s the problem?
Girl 3: Oh my God, I need water.
Vincent: Okay, girls, please settle down. We need to – (VINCENT SCREAMING)
Girl 3: I want my money back.
Jenna: Oh my God. My dad’s gonna sue you.
Kristen: Oh my God. Oh my God. I’m a fail. Do something.
Massie: Okay, okay. Is anyone here allergic to peanuts?
Girl 4: Me, I am.
Layne: They made their make up with peanuts? That’s the most common allergy ever.
Claire: Everyone says they’re popular, but nobody said they’re geniuses.
(PHONE BEEPING)
Massie texted Claire: Oatmeal will help with swelling. Read it in Cosmo.
Claire: Layne, your oatmeal, I need it.
Layne: Okay.
Claire: Everybody, listen up. I have oatmeal.
Girl 3: We don’t need oatmeal. We need help.
Jenna: Yeah, help us.
Layne: Since when did you want to help the Pretty Committee?
Claire: Since everyone’s lips are inflating to the size of Jessica Simpson’s. This will help. Here you go. Take it. I know it gross, take it.
Girl 3: (SIGHS)
Jenna: Thank God.
Girl 3: Thank you so much, Claire. I don’t know what I would’ve done. My lips are my best feature.
Kristen: Claire, hey. I just wanted to say thanks for saving the day.
Claire: Yeah, who would’ve thought? Zero to hero, even if it was just for a few minutes.
Kristen: Looks like you made some friends.
Claire: Look, you don’t have to be nice to me now.
Kristen: I wasn’t going to, it’s just... I’m glad I told you secret instead of Massie.
Massie: Kris, could use your help back here. After all you are Glambition’s president. This is all your idea.
Kristen: I guess I’ll see you around.
Claire: Yeah. See you.
Layne: So, I’m thinking, oatmeal flavor, might be a bestseller.
Man 1: Yes. Oh, hey, how are you?
William Block: It’s good to see you. Thanks for coming.
Woman 1: I’m sorry.
Mrs. Block: Oh, beautiful. Great to see you.
William Block: How are you? Good to see you. All right, have fun.
Man 2: Very good, very good.
Claire: Layne. Wow. You look awesome.
Layne: Oh.
Claire: Does everyone party like this in Westchester?
Layne: Well, no one throws a party like the Blocks. Oh hey.
Chris Abeley: Hey.
Claire: Hey, happy birthday.
Chris Abeley: Thanks. Claire, this is my girlfriend, Fawn.
Claire: Nice to me you.
Fawn: You too.
Layne: Hey Fawn.
Fawn: Hi.
Chris Abeley: All right. We’ll see you guys later.
Fawn: Bye.
Claire: Wow. Not even Massie could compete with her. She’s beautiful.
Layne: Yeah. Speaking of Massie…
Kristen: It looks so awesome.
(CHATTERING)
Massie: Ta-da!
Alicia: Oh, my God. Where’d you get that? That’s really cute!
Kristen: Really cute!
Dylan: You look amazing.
Kristen: Yeah, Chris Babely is seriously gonna freak.
Alicia: A hundred dollars says tonight, you’re getting your first kiss.
Massie: And maybe my second and third, too.
Dylan: Oh, my God. That’s so cute.
Kristen: That’s adorable.
Alicia: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Mrs. Block: And sold for $15,000. Thank you.
Layne: I wish we could bid on something.
Claire: Thank there’ll be anything that goes for under 20 bucks?
Layne: Oh, hey.
Mrs. Block: We’ll start bidding at $12.
Layne: Still no Massie. Maybe the wicked witch of Westchester is dead.
Claire: I’ll be right back.
Claire: Alicia, these are yours. The dresses. My parents thought I should give them back. And your cell phone’s in there too.
Alicia: By the way, nice job trying to oust Massie. You got closer than I ever did.
Mrs. Block: Sold for $17, 500 to the lucky lady. –Thank you.
Claire: Dylan, For what it’s worth, you would’ve rock that in mini skirt.
Mrs. Block: Before we wrap up our auction…
Dylan: Thanks.
Mrs. Block: Please save room for our dessert---
Claire: Where’s Massie?
Mrs. Block: ---because we have a very special birthday presentation. Chris Abeley, this one’s for you.
Massie: [Laughs]
Claire: I think it would be nice if someone….
Massie: ---What the? ----
Claire: ….said a few words about Chris.
Massie: ---Claire Lyons, I’m gonna kill you!
Claire: I think I’d like Fawn, Chris’ girlfriend, to please come up. Chris’ girlfriend, Fawn, come up here.
Massie: Fawn? Girlfriend?
Fawn: Um…. I really don’t know what to say. Chris and I met back in the seventh grade, you know. I wasn’t really that interested…. [still speaking]
Claire: Massie, it’s safe to come out now.
Massie: He has a girlfriend? I think I’m gonna barf. Is it possible to actually die of embarrassment?
Claire: If it were, I would be dead a long time ago.
Massie: They fall of all the time, the charms.
Claire: Mh-Hm.
Massie: Um… Thanks. You know. For helping me back there. You didn’t have to do that.
Claire: I know.
Massie: then, why did you?
Claire: Because I’m not you. That was you, right? Who sent the oatmeal text?
Massie: Yeah.
Claire: Why? You could’ve been the hero. Why’d you let me?
Massie: I don’t know. I wanted to.
Claire: C’mon. What about all the other times you’ve tried to make my life miserable?
Massie: You don’t get it, Claire.
Claire: You’re right I don’t.
Massie: Look how quickly my friends were willing to ditch me for you.
Claire: Yeah, so, what, you have to be mean to me?
Massie: I mean, c’mon. you’re like a major threat.
Claire: Me? To who? You? Are you kidding me?
Massie: Hey, the singing stopped. Well, I better go find the girls. It’ not really a party without me.
Claire: This is going to sound totally weird, but can I take your picture? It’s for my brother.
Massie: How can you two be related? He’s such a little creep.
Claire: I know.
Massie: Here. And for the record, I’d pick A too.
Claire: What’s A-2?
Massie: I’d rather be a friendless loser than have a bunch of friends that secretly hate me.
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